Build Date: Sat Apr 20 08:00:08 2024 UTC
No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket take the ride.
-- HST
I Hate That Fucker Andrew Jackson
2001-09-08 01:40:52
If I had Andrew Jackson in my reach right now, I'd grab him by the throat and squeeze until his cocksucking mouth turned blue and cold. I'd take an icepick to those fishy little eyes. I'd tear out that oh-so-windblown bouffant hair of his and rub salted fire ants into his bleeding skull. And why would I do these things? Because I'm a patriot.
Andrew Jackson was a fuckwad of the first order. Andrew Jackson sodomized Lady Liberty and passed her on to his friends. Andrew Jackson was not just a bad president, he was an enemy to the American people and a traitor to the Constitution.
See, in 1830, gold was discovered on Indian lands and so the Indian Removal Act was promptly established. The Cherokee, however, operating under the delusion that our nation has a justice system, challenged the government in American courts. It was finally decided by the Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice John Marshall, that the U.S. government was obliged to honor the treaties it had made with the Cherokee and other Indian nations. Yay! Right triumphs over might! The American star shines nobly forth, spilling the light of freedom over all her children, regardless of race or creed!
But hold! Enter that fucker Andrew Jackson, stage left! "John Marshall has made his decision. Let him enforce it now if he can," Jackson spat. And the babyhumping bastardo sent out the militia to round up the Cherokee and march them eight hundred miles, over the Trail of Tears. Twelve thousand people were dispossessed and four thousand died.
Andrew Jackson, you oozing dicksore! Did you really believe that the American people, those brave, freethinking lovers of justice, would permit their elected President to flagrate the very fundaments of their own government? Did you truly think that history would not hold you accountable? Did you assume that hypocrisy would wink at your treason, that greed would condone your assault against our most cherished principles? What, did you think we'd call you a hero, and put you on our money or something, as if to say "Yes, our whole country and every value we claim to espouse is worth no more than this hell-spawned sociopath!" Goddamn you for being right! And god damn us too!
Call me brainwashed or naive, but I believe that the American experiment is a noble and astonishing thing; I believe that justice can successfully be defended and that freedom can be preserved. I am a patriot. And this is why I am seized with rage every time I see Andrew Jackson's smug, enormous head leering at me from my wallet, diddling himself under his stupid blanket, while the slaughter of thousands of American families goes unmourned and unavenged. For this atrocity, and for the crime perpetuated upon our Constitution, and for the festering canker of murderous greed that eats at the heart of our body politic, I blame that fucker, Andrew Jackson.
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)