Build Date: Fri Jul 19 17:10:12 2024 UTC

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Mach 3 Power

by JRoyale

2004-11-19 14:21:20

So this is a review about a disposable razor. I suppose long-time PDJ readers might find that a bit strange...but then again, given the complete lack of new content over the past couple of years, the PDJ really doesn't have any more long-term readers. Maybe we can fix that and maybe this review will be on the main page for two years. Who knows?

\/\/hatever. I never liked you fucking readers in the first place. Always filling up our feedback emailbox with whinny stories about how Canadia kicks ass. Blow it out your Canadian ass. So you Canadians were smart enough not to elect someone like Bush. Well...Ok...that is actually a pretty good trick. Hmmm...maybe we can learn something from you guys.

Anyway, I want to talk about razors and not the horrible prospect of four more years with George Fucking Bush and his cronies running this country into the ground. If I do that, this article will mutate from talking about the greatest razor ever made into a how-to-slit-your-wrists manual. Which really isn't the point. Having all the liberals in America fall on their swords or run away to Canadia like little girls only means the fucking Reds have won. And damn if I'm gonna let that happen.

So the way I got it figured, the first step to taking back our country is looking sharp. We might not fool the Reds if all of us bleeding heart liberals look like a million dollars, but then again, maybe we'll just fake them out enough to gain that half step advantage that makes all the difference between an NBA has-been and someone pulling in 20 mil a year.

And when it comes to looking good, guys, it means shaving your face. Face it, the whole Arafat look isn't gonna fool any Reds. If you look like a slob you must be planning on overthrowing the government and letting gays get married. And all Reds know the moment that gays can be legally married is the day that the Lord God wipes the Good Old U S of A right off the map and sends the whole country to hell. Of course, why God gives a shit if a couple of guys want to bang each other in the ass in their own bedroom--just like chimpanzees and penguins do--is beyond me. If I were God I'd be worried about bigger things than sodomy (Ok, if I were God I'd be kneedeep committing sodomy, but that's a different topic for a different article) but instead, as God, I'd be making sure that children in Africa had enough to eat. And AIDS...if I were God, I'd get rid of AIDS and Mad Cow disease...just saying, God, if you're actually reading this about some world peace. Huh? Good idea, right? Pretty please.

So, yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, talking about shaving...when it comes to shaving there is no better tool than the recently released Gillette Mach 3 Power Razor. Now normally Johnnie Royale doesn't go in for name brands sold by massive multi-national corporations that are trying to displace the current nation-states and change the world into some sort of corpo-fascist Blade Runner nightmare.

But the Mach 3 Power is just one damn fine razor. And please note dear reader, this is the Mach 3 Power; where Power is the key word. The old Mach 3 Turbo isn't a bad razor. But the brand new Mach 3 Power has a AAA battery in the handle and when you push the button the blades vibrate. Not a lot of motion, but more then enough. It turns the already awesome Mach 3 into some sort of futuristic laser cutting machine. As most of my past girlfriends will testify (at least the ones that aren't slandering me behind my back), my beard is more than just tough, it has been outlawed by the Geneva Convention as an instrument of torture.

But the Mach 3 Power razor rolls through my facial hair like the Panzers through France. It is so damn good that I don't even need to use shaving cream. I just step out of the shower, active the Mach 3 Power razor and swipe, swipe, fuss, no face is completely shorn. Smooth like a baby's ass. There is basically no irritation and to date I have not cut myself. That is quite a feat given the massive scars and potholes on my face I have from my days as a pimply teenager.

It is really too bad that Gillette can't create a razor that removes Reds from the Electoral College as easily as the Mach 3 Power takes off my beard. Fuck, I can't believe I have to shave everyday for the next four years...goddamn fucking Red know-nothing asshole George Bush voters...but at least with the Gillette Mach 3 Power Razor system, shaving will be a lot easier to take.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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