Build Date: Thu Apr 9 01:50:09 2026 UTC
Bad people of the Future don't go to bed, they pass out.
-- Johnny Royale
Microsoft's Shitty Software Fucks Up the Entire Goddamn Innernut
2003-01-26 06:33:38
Hey, DUMBASS! Yeah, YOU! The one who's still running MICROSOFT SOFTWARE! I'd like to PERSONALLY THANK YOU for FUCKING THE ENTIRE INTERNET with your SHITTY SQL SERVER that's opened up to the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Thank you SO MUCH for SPEWING COMPRESSED UDP PACKETS of DUMBASS to every IP address on the planet. Way to go, HOTSHOT. I'll have you know that you've made it PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to DOWNLOAD CYBERPORN.
Man, you know what they used to say back in the day: nobody ever got fired for choosing IBM. And I guess some folks nowadays think they can't get fired for choosing Microsoft. MAN, are YOU WRONG.
There's a party going on on the Internet right now, and it's called SQL SLAMMER. The deal is that there's this clever clever little rooty wormy thing that can connect to the Microsoft SQL Server port 1434 or some such shit. Anyways, the little fella just finds himself a Microsoft SQL Server, gets lodged in there like some kind of terrifying shit weevil, and starts SPEWING UDP PACKETS AT EVERY IP ADDRESS THAT EXISTS.
Seriously! This one just starts sending out UDP packets of itself EVERYWHERE. Not a lot of people have SQL Server installed on their computers. Even fewer are DUMB ENOUGH to leave the fucking SQL SERVER PORT AVAILABLE to anyone on the Internet interested in making a query or two. Of course, people who are that dumb are also dumb enough to ignore a Security Advisory that came out several months ago.
These people's stupidity has had the unfortunate result of saturating trunk lines across the entire globe. Entire countries were without Internet access for up to a day. Everyone is running around screaming. Root DNS servers are failing. Roses are wilting on the vine. There is a black cloud over the sun, and I CAN'T DOWNLOAD ANY GODDAMN PORN.
I think there are lots of lessons to learn from this:
- MICROSOFT SUX0RZ.
- People who use Microsoft software SUX0R.
- Monocultures are inherently unhealthy.
- Being a system administrator takes a little more smarts than corporate IT managers seem to think.
- You are all assholes for making my Internet experience that much more difficult.
Finally, I'd like to point out that I CAN'T DOWNLOAD ANY PORN. I'm unlikely to get much cheerier about this issue for the foreseeable future.
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