GNUPG! You need to get some ENCRYPTION, BUB.


Disgusting Digital Stench Technology
2000-03-07 20:06:57

Laughable Technology
If only Jake Busey knew how much we appreciated his art, I'm sure he'd drop everything and join us.
-- Johnnie Royale


Gah, this is the MOST HORRIBLE idea I've ever HEARD of! As a professional journalist, I review thousands of the retarded and ass-picking ideas that are floated by shysters, thieves, and sociopaths who are trying to milk the Internet gold rush for a bit of filthy cash. Yet NONE of these ideas STINKS as bad as DIGISCENTS.COM. And YES, you can quote me on that.

So the deal with DIGISCENTS is that they want to do DIGITAL SMELL technology. In other words, they'll digitize smells on one side of the Internet, presumably using some horrible demon technology that sucks the essence out of things and stores it on magnet tape. BUT THEN, they would send it down the Internet to some kind of DEBIGULATOR or something to make ODORS come out of your computer.

First off, I can't figger out HOW the hell this thing is supposed to work. I grok how the smell will be digitized -- you just have s00per-sekrit high-technology sensors and stuff. There's been research on this that I've read about.

But WHERE'S the smell gonna come out of? Your sound card? Is the digital technology going to set fire to various capacitors and resistors on your motherboard to simulate the proper smell? Or will you need a special piece of hardware hooked up to your USB PORT?! How does a SMELL CARD work?

The second bad problem with this is that NOBODY NEEDS A SMELLULATOR DIGITAL SMELL TECHNOLOGY COMPONENT. This is not a big gaping hole in the middle of humanity's existence, folks. Sure, the Web page listed below seems to think that there's a good market in COMPUTER GAMES and for ONLINE ADVERTISEMENTS, but I think that's pretty far-fetched, don't you? Computer games need Smell-o-Vision as much as they need Force Feedback technology. In other words, not at all.

And When I look at an ONLINE ADVERTISEMENT for some delicious CORN MUFFINS with animated steam and butter melting on them, I can ALMOST SMELL them, and that's PERFECTLY SUFFICIENT. Almost smelling them is just fine. No need for REALLY smelling them. Hey, and -fuck- online ads, anyways, now that I think about it.

But the BIGGEST problem with this technology -- what makes it an offense against decency -- is that there IS an ILLEGITIMATE use for this horrible technology. You guessed it, folks: DIGITAL SMELL PORN. Porno is the leading market for EVERY technology, and digital aromas is going to be NO EXCEPTION. Can you imagine what kind of disgusting Crisco smells are gonna come out of your computer smell-o-card when you hit What about for a big slurpy BAD-BREATH MENAGE A TROIS or even the heady SEMEN-DRENCHED SMELL of an Annabelle Chong 250-person gang-bang fuckfest? Mark my words: the ENTIRE INTERNET is going to REEK of STRAWBERRY DOUCHES and TIT SWEAT!

The worst part is that Porn Lords have absolutely no sense of decency whatsoever (case in point: So they'll probably use this technology in all kinds of EXPLOITATIVE and UNWHOLESOME ways. I mean, what are you going to DO when you're looking at PORNO in your CUBICLE, and your boss comes in, and you try to close the window, and this STENCH POPUP appears and keeps SPRAYING you with TEENAGE PANTY PERFUME? With just normal porno popups, you can at least put your AOL chat window over top of it, but what can you do when your workplace environment STINKS like the MOP BUCKET at a 25-cent ADULT VIDEO ARCADE?

Anyways, I got nothing more to say. Go check out, you porndog.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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