Build Date: Sun Jul 6 00:20:53 2025 UTC
Extropians don't have souls, so no moonbase for you.
-- Johnnie Royale
Disgusting Digital Stench Technology
2000-03-07 20:06:57
Gah, this is the MOST HORRIBLE idea I've ever HEARD of! As a professional journalist, I review thousands of the retarded and ass-picking ideas that are floated by shysters, thieves, and sociopaths who are trying to milk the Internet gold rush for a bit of filthy cash. Yet NONE of these ideas STINKS as bad as DIGISCENTS.COM. And YES, you can quote me on that.
So the deal with DIGISCENTS is that they want to do DIGITAL SMELL technology. In other words, they'll digitize smells on one side of the Internet, presumably using some horrible demon technology that sucks the essence out of things and stores it on magnet tape. BUT THEN, they would send it down the Internet to some kind of DEBIGULATOR or something to make ODORS come out of your computer.
First off, I can't figger out HOW the hell this thing is supposed to work. I grok how the smell will be digitized -- you just have s00per-sekrit high-technology sensors and stuff. There's been research on this that I've read about.
But WHERE'S the smell gonna come out of? Your sound card? Is the digital technology going to set fire to various capacitors and resistors on your motherboard to simulate the proper smell? Or will you need a special piece of hardware hooked up to your USB PORT?! How does a SMELL CARD work?
The second bad problem with this is that NOBODY NEEDS A SMELLULATOR DIGITAL SMELL TECHNOLOGY COMPONENT. This is not a big gaping hole in the middle of humanity's existence, folks. Sure, the Web page listed below seems to think that there's a good market in COMPUTER GAMES and for ONLINE ADVERTISEMENTS, but I think that's pretty far-fetched, don't you? Computer games need Smell-o-Vision as much as they need Force Feedback technology. In other words, not at all.
And When I look at an ONLINE ADVERTISEMENT for some delicious CORN MUFFINS with animated steam and butter melting on them, I can ALMOST SMELL them, and that's PERFECTLY SUFFICIENT. Almost smelling them is just fine. No need for REALLY smelling them. Hey, and -fuck- online ads, anyways, now that I think about it.
But the BIGGEST problem with this technology -- what makes it an offense against decency -- is that there IS an ILLEGITIMATE use for this horrible technology. You guessed it, folks: DIGITAL SMELL PORN. Porno is the leading market for EVERY technology, and digital aromas is going to be NO EXCEPTION. Can you imagine what kind of disgusting Crisco smells are gonna come out of your computer smell-o-card when you hit www.fistmyass.com? What about for a big slurpy BAD-BREATH MENAGE A TROIS or even the heady SEMEN-DRENCHED SMELL of an Annabelle Chong 250-person gang-bang fuckfest? Mark my words: the ENTIRE INTERNET is going to REEK of STRAWBERRY DOUCHES and TIT SWEAT!
The worst part is that Porn Lords have absolutely no sense of decency whatsoever (case in point: gettingit.com). So they'll probably use this technology in all kinds of EXPLOITATIVE and UNWHOLESOME ways. I mean, what are you going to DO when you're looking at PORNO in your CUBICLE, and your boss comes in, and you try to close the window, and this STENCH POPUP appears and keeps SPRAYING you with TEENAGE PANTY PERFUME? With just normal porno popups, you can at least put your AOL chat window over top of it, but what can you do when your workplace environment STINKS like the MOP BUCKET at a 25-cent ADULT VIDEO ARCADE?
Anyways, I got nothing more to say. Go check out DigiScents.com, you porndog.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)