Build Date: Tue Feb 17 19:50:07 2026 UTC
I am Leonard Nimoy
-- Spock
I Hate Everything in the Future Except the Parkway
2000-01-05 16:56:26
I live in the year 2000, and let me tell you, the future SUCKS! I'm hungover all the time, and there are no personal jetpacks as previously promised, and most of my favorite techno artistes haven't made a new music crystal since LONG AGO. The only thing that is worth a CYBERSHIT in the future is the PARKWAY.
The Parkway Theatre in Oakland, Californi-ay is the FUTURE of CINEMAR. It's really superfantastic, and if you live in the Bay Area (now known as Bayareatron 2000) and haven't been to the Parkway you suck dirt. Because it is the super-best!
The concept dealio with the Parkway is this: you know when you go to the movies STONED and all they have to eat are sickening months-old Jujubees and rock-hard Raisinettes? So instead you get a super-jumbo popcorn that tasted like packing peanuts covered with LARD and ROCK SALT? And then you eat so much that you BARF it all up in the disgusting movie bathroom?
Or howabout you sneak in a six-pack of beer in your backpack or purse? And how inconvenient that is, because you can only carry so much beer on your person at one time, and your moochy friends drink all your beers and then you have to watch "You've Got Mail" SOBER? Don't you hate that?
Well the great part about the Parkway is that A) they have delicioso PIZZA for all showings, with many yummy toppings of all flavors and textures, and B) they serve PITCHERS of BEER. That's RIGHT! Oh, wait, there's a couple of more great things: getting in the door is REALLY CHEAP, like FIVE DOLLARS or something, because HELL they figger they'll make it up in beer and pizza. And the other thing is that they have BIG LAZY COUCHES with COFFEE TABLES that you can put your feet up on and unbutton your pants because you ate so much beer and pizza.
It is EXACTLY like watching movies at HOME except instead of having a dinky little 32" Trinitron you have a 1200" silver screen. AND, instead of having to yell at your significant other to bring you more beer, which you may have noticed always makes them kinda cranky, they have OBSEQUIOUS TOADY-LIKE WAITPERSONS who will come bring you pitchers and pizza. I mean, BEAUJOLAIS!
I highly recommend going to the historic Parkway in the fabulous Lake Merritt district of Oakland, CA. Beaujolais to them, and beaujolais to you.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
I mixed up this concoction a few weeks ago and can't get it out of my mind. It's green and sweet and delicious and looks great in a clear sports bottle, which won't spill when you pass out on the lawn after drinking the entire bottle through a Crazystraw. (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
It was Friday night at the Casa de Baron and everything was in place -- a group of friends had assembled, people were setting things on fire in the backyard, and a Ferry Corsten double-live CD was playing on the stereo. Everything was in place to make further scientific advances in beverage research and leisure technology. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
