Build Date: Wed Jul 2 02:51:44 2025 UTC
i'm sorry for using quasi-real names and being gory.
-- Sylvia
Dear Jesus, Take My Wife... Please
1999-06-29 04:11:07
Here's something you don't get enough of on the web; a whole site apparently devoted to the sorts of "inspirational" stories and poems you normally find in the back pages of TRUE STORY magazine and the intermittent Ann Landers column on a day when Ann is feeling really lazy.
Take a good long look at "My Dear Wife," for instance, a charming little morality tale about a man who writes his wife a letter letting her know that "Jesus came for me today, while you were at work." It seems he asked Jesus if his wife could come along, too, but Jesus, that stern taskmaster, said no. The rest of the letter is basically this schmuck saying "You're going to Hell, sorry it had to turn out that way." Uplifting background music is provided.
On the flip side is "Letter From Satan," wherein even sterner taskmaster B.L. Zebub drops a cheery note on an unsuspecting sod, exhorting his anonymous prey to teach children to sin so they can go to hell faster: "So go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, drink alcoholic beverages, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and listen to and dance to the top 10 jams." I always suspected the Backstreet Boys were EVIL.
While you're visiting this Repository of Bad, be sure to check out other such classics as "An Angel Called 'Mommy,'" "God Knows the Score," and "Children Learn What They Live." You'll be glad you did, and maybe you won't go to HELL!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Put the "Life" Back in SF "Nightlife"
The Man is putting the hurting on San Francisco clubs, but some people are fighting back. Beajolais! Flesh interviews Leslie Ayers of the San Francisco Late Night Coalition. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so there's that. (More...)
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)