E-sheep is like the best online site ever invented

     
 

The Weekly World News Hates You
2002-02-06 10:45:26


Crazy But True
 
Any kid that isn't smart enough to disable Cybersitter doesn't deserve to get porn.
-- enigma

 

So supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News closed their online edition. Why? "We would like you to buy the paper at least one stinking week out of the year."

Yes, it's all your fault -- and now Ed Anger is pissed. "I've had enough of this free web crap," he rants in an online editorial. "When I was a kid, the only thing we got for free was a beating."

Now you've done it. No more updates for -- well, there's no indication how long the temporary closure will last. "SO LET'S GO," Mr. Anger continues. "Take the money from your sleeping roommate. Sell your VCR. Whatever it takes."

The editorial contains one link, to a page called joke.html -- but don't get your hopes up. "MAN, YOU STILL THINK THIS IS A JOKE?" It contains nothing but a link to an online subscription form for the newspaper. "ITíS BETTER ON PAPER ANYWAY," Anger reminds us. "We kill three hundred thousand trees a year just so our loyal readers can take this fun publication to their bathrooms.

"YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR BATHROOM? HA! I DIDNíT THINK SO."

So now all the site's URLs redirect to a single-page redesign -- even the Weekly World News's archive of stories about the legendary Batboy. (From "Batboy found in West Virginia cave" to "Batboy endorses Gore".) And there's more sad news from just outside of New York. Theatre-goers are no longer be able to purchase tickets for Batboy -- the off-Broadway musical.

Just when Americans need it most, they're deprived of hard-hitting tabloid headlines that make their lives meaningful like "SPIKY HAIRED PUNK IMPALES THREE IN BUS CRASH!" and "SUPERMAN IS GAY!" So if you want to pitch in to show the Weekly World News that you care, their site is currently displaying a handy photograph telling you which issue to buy. Just look for this screaming headline:

"Salt Lake Shocker: 3-Legged Skater Banned...."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

ixian@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G

Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
by El Snatcher & Ms. BunnyPenny

Sex Crimes of the X-Men
by El Destino

Absinthia: The Pigdog Interview
by El Snatcher, Mr. Bad

GNUisance
by El Snatcher, Mr. Bad

05-25

The Compulsive Splicer

Space aliens are breeding with humans, says Oxford instructor

05-17

Master Squid

Man killed by crossbow in Germany led 'medieval cult'

05-17

El Destino

Crazy bitcoin-trading "seasteader" forced to run by the Thai government

03-30

Flesh

Alex Jones Admits To Being Psychotic.

03-30

Flesh

Alex Jones Throws Temper Tantrum After Being Laughed At.

03-30

Flesh

So what's the time? It's time to get ill! Alex Jones Smokes Some Kind. Gets Really Paranoid

03-23

El Destino

The Las Vegas Strip now has robot bartenders

03-06

Poindexter Fortran

University of California special collections: now with more Hunter S. Thompson

02-15

Baron Earl

Amazing hand-stitched scenes from DUNE

01-17

Baron Earl

Contributions to Top Dark Money Spenders

More Quickies...