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The Weekly World News Hates You
2002-02-06 10:45:26


Crazy But True
 
What a fucking night. No more tequila. Ever.
-- Paul

 

So supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News closed their online edition. Why? "We would like you to buy the paper at least one stinking week out of the year."

Yes, it's all your fault -- and now Ed Anger is pissed. "I've had enough of this free web crap," he rants in an online editorial. "When I was a kid, the only thing we got for free was a beating."

Now you've done it. No more updates for -- well, there's no indication how long the temporary closure will last. "SO LET'S GO," Mr. Anger continues. "Take the money from your sleeping roommate. Sell your VCR. Whatever it takes."

The editorial contains one link, to a page called joke.html -- but don't get your hopes up. "MAN, YOU STILL THINK THIS IS A JOKE?" It contains nothing but a link to an online subscription form for the newspaper. "ITíS BETTER ON PAPER ANYWAY," Anger reminds us. "We kill three hundred thousand trees a year just so our loyal readers can take this fun publication to their bathrooms.

"YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR BATHROOM? HA! I DIDNíT THINK SO."

So now all the site's URLs redirect to a single-page redesign -- even the Weekly World News's archive of stories about the legendary Batboy. (From "Batboy found in West Virginia cave" to "Batboy endorses Gore".) And there's more sad news from just outside of New York. Theatre-goers are no longer be able to purchase tickets for Batboy -- the off-Broadway musical.

Just when Americans need it most, they're deprived of hard-hitting tabloid headlines that make their lives meaningful like "SPIKY HAIRED PUNK IMPALES THREE IN BUS CRASH!" and "SUPERMAN IS GAY!" So if you want to pitch in to show the Weekly World News that you care, their site is currently displaying a handy photograph telling you which issue to buy. Just look for this screaming headline:

"Salt Lake Shocker: 3-Legged Skater Banned...."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

aaron@pigdog.org


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