Build Date: Wed Feb 12 10:31:28 2025 UTC
Yorgo the barman had a friend drive us to Zeitgeist where there was THE TAMALE LADY and I had tamales and chocolate and Guinness and rum and YOU ALL MISSED OUT ON THE GREATEST FUCKING NIGHT IN SAN FRANCISCO EVER AND I LAUGH AT ALL YOUR MISFORTUNES! That is, until tomorrow morning, at which point I will likely be in heavy Regret Mode.
-- Crackmonkey
State of the Union? It Sucks!
2003-01-29 10:22:09
Well, gentle readers, we've just sat through George II's State of the Union address. Instead of getting stinkers with the State of the Union Address Drinking Game, I have generously and foolishly stayed sober, the better to crank out this article in a timely fashion. OK, really I just forgot to go to the package store before they closed.
The speech was all the same old shit. Tort reform will control medical costs for seniors. All those frivolous lawsuits, people sue just because the doctor operated on the wrong knee. Even if you're crippled for life, even if your expenses are more, you don't deserve more than a quarter of a million bucks. Reform income taxes, but don't say shit about the regressive nature of FICA. Joe Minimum Wage pays a much higher percentage of his income to FICA than does Bill Gates, due to the cap on contributions. Leave no millionaire behind! The top 1% of taxpayers, under his stimulus plan, will get MORE tax relief than the bottom 95% combined! Let's talk about energy independence! Hydrogen cell automobiles (didn't he just cut that funding last year?)! Now he's restoring half of his cut and calling it an increase! Way to go George! Drill the Alaskan wilderness and the Rocky Mountain Front! And be sure to chop down all those goddamn trees so we don't have forest fires. Jeeezus will save all those poor folks and drug addicts if we give money to churches. Change the name of Americorps to Freedom Corps so George can take credit for creating it. Drugs are bad! (Wasn't there a COCAINE bust in his past?). Did it ever occur to him that many of those "fatherless kids" would HAVE both parents without the drug war locking up nonviolent offenders? Sluts are bad. Abortions are bad. Cloning is bad.
Now he starts priming us for war. The flag stands for dignity. It'll dignify those Iraqis if we bomb the shit out of them. Hey George, didn't those 4000 Afghan civilians have the same right to life as the fetuses you want to force unwilling women to carry to term? Oh, and we are winning the war, you say? If so, where the hell is Osama? Where is the anthrax mailer? The terrorists are on the run? I thought they were being held incognito in American jails.
No one should have to die from AIDS, but don't ask George to fund sex education or birth control. Weren't the Democrats trying to get this African AIDS package through congress for years, with the Rethugs fighting it tooth and nail? Now he's reviving the Clinton program? I'm not holding my breath on this one. But we ARE going to institute a Star Wars-type program for bioterror! Which will, of course, include immunity from lawsuits for drug companies who sell vaccines which might kill thousands of people. Because of all those stupid frivolous lawsuits. Then he spoke about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, preparing us for a unilateral attack. But he doesn't say where they are... so it must be taking the CIA longer than expected to plant them. He says HE is going to defend the country? Just like when he deserted his National Guard post for a year during the Vietnam war? And since when are we attacking Iran? Looks like we are now. Korea can suck his dick too, but we're still sending them money and heating oil? Whatever. Wow, the "Iraqi scientists" who are talking to the inspectors are actually Iraqi spies! No, wait. They have been primed by the Iraqi secret service or something. Well, SOMETHING is wrong with them, anyway. And Saddam is helping Al-Quaida! I thought GEORGE dropped that story a couple of months ago, when he was called on it. Oh, the "horra"! Saddam bombed his own citizens (with weapons sold to him by the Reagan administration). War is being forced upon us! How did our oil get under their sand anyway? We'll bring the Iraqi citizens food, medicine, and freedom, (and bombs). "A loving God" will bless us? Who would Jesus bomb, George? If you want to live in a theocracy, then move to Iraq! I thought the crusades ended centuries ago. Onward, Christian soldiers?
He started out talking balanced budgets, but also proposed $23 billion in new spending and tax cuts for the rich. Fucking dick. Let's trash the first amendment, ignore the Geneva convention, and continue the failed economic policy, domestic policy, and foreign policy which fucked away the eight year Clinton boom in less than a year. Our nation's problems cannot be solved by the people who created them.
We need regime change right here in the US of A. May his "loving God" have mercy on us.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
Pigdog Journal's crack interview team gangs up on avant-garde Dutch musician SOLEX; bad craziness ensues. Yet another fabulous PIGDOG INTERVIEW. For REAL. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)