Build Date: Tue Apr 16 19:20:08 2024 UTC

Finns are a subset of drunks...
-- Johnnie Royale

Yet Even More TV Shows We'd Like to See

by Greg Houston with assistance by Tracy Jacobs

2004-06-26 14:17:35

The last installment in a three-part series of TV shows we'd actually watch if anyone would produce them. Are you listening Hollywood?

"Mission: Implausible"- A team of super secret government agents is asked to take care of situations that probably couldn't happen in real life. In episode #1, the Mission Implausible Squad, led by Agent Dick Hicks (Joe Penny), is asked by the U.S. Government to rid the Presidential bedroom of the ghost of Dracula! Without the President's knowledge!!! Things get sticky when the First Lady (Judith Ivey) gets all hot and bothered for MIS member, Nicco Pastie (David Schwimmer) and leaves the President to become an MIS agent herself! The President, overcome by grief, commits suicide and is replaced by a super intelligent talking dog (Tuffy) who was bred just for this situation! Meanwhile, Ghost Dracula impregnates the Hungarian Prime Minister and only the First Lady can successfully abort the near full term baby and throw it in the sea seconds before it explodes! Unbelievable action! Pulse pounding excitement! One full hour each week of Bad Guys, Super Spies and Creamy Thighs!

"Barrel Full Of Monkeys"- game show with valuable prizes hidden at the bottom of a barrel full of monkeys. Contestants can keep whatever they can pull out of the barrel.

"Cherry Sherbert"- Glamourous Phyllis Davis returns to weekly series action in this "TV/TV" show that's as sure to bust guts as bend genders. In the pilot, Phyllis does double duty, first playing Herbert Sherry, an uhappy stripper. When Herbert realizes that the source of his depression is his belief that he's really a woman trapped in a man's body, he cashes in his IRA and gets a sex change operation. After successful surgery, she decides to open her own business. With her new "banana split," "Cherry Sherbert" opens an ice cream parlor but realizes that, to make ends meet, she must also strip on the side. So, combining her talents, she re-opens "Cherry's Cups and Cones" now, San Pedro's first combination strip joint/ice-cream parlor. Her former boss, club owner Duke Willscrew (Dan Haggarty), promises to put an end to Cherry's success. Is it a promise he can keep? Stone cold fox, Phyllis' sexual shenanigans will keep viewers "coming” back week after week!

"Hit Him, Kicked Him, Rectum"- Super secret CIA hit squad used to combat deadly terrorist threats at home and abroad. The team is comprised of three agents whose undercover identities are those of a Boxer, a Karate Instructor and a Proctologist. Non-stop action!

"I'm With Webber"- Uninspired and lazy, Gene Truss (Anthony Zerbe) nevertheless gets invited to EVERY big social event. How? He's literally attached to Siamese twin, Webber (Michael Anthony Hall), a society gadfly, mover and shaker who goes to every platinum party and glamorous get together. When asked how he gets in the party door his crowd pleasing retort is simple, "I'm with Webber." TV audiences will want to be with Webber too!!!

"Crash Bullet"- Nick "Crash" Bullet is the toughest cop on the Columbus police force but, he's got a problem. A problem with authority! Crash is a no-nonsense, take-charge, man-of-action who breaks all the rules and makes no apologies. It's a good thing for him that he also happens to be one hell of a cop or his exasperated boss, Lt. Kopicki (Merlin Olsen) wouldn't be willing to take so much heat from "upstairs" to give Crash the freedom he needs to bash skulls and violate the Constitution in order to put the bad guys away. Still, Kopicki tries to keep Crash in line. "Do it by the book, Bullet!" is his refrain. But Crash refuses to be hemmed in like those other castrated pantywaists in his department. There's a headache called crime out there and Crash is the aspirin! Each episode explodes in an exciting hour of nonstop action!

"I'm Finster, He's Shloman!"- once an intrepid reporting team, best known for bringing down a corrupt library supervisor in the '70's, these two aged codgers (Hal Lyndon, Gavin Macleod) despise each other. The only problem is that they're both out of work and living in a welfare hotel! They can resurrect their careers but, only if they work together! Hilarity is the headline whenever these two mismatched grumps have to team up in order to pay the bills. And, did we mention that one is an Orthodox Jew and the other is in the Klan?!!! Oy!

"The Vagina Catalogues"- A family business that prints full color illustrated Bibles with the characters depicted as animals, is going under after 71 years in the business. If that weren't bad enough, the grandson of the founder has died and his nephew, Jukie (Todd Bridges), is left to take over. Jukie couldn't care less about the business and wants to sell it but, after the buyer turns out to be his childhood rival, Jukie decides to quit his partying and turn the business around! But how? By forgetting about the Bible and printing amateur photos of desperate women's genitalia and distributing it to desperate guys looking for some action! Only in Scranton! "The Vagina Catalogue" becomes a sensation and each week luminaries of stage and screen guest star as women (and men) looking for love in all the right pages!!!! Guest stars include- Jane Powell, Rain Pryor, Marsha Warfield, Tom Selleck, Paul Rubens, Stuart Margolin and many more!!!!!

"Enema Agents!"- Government Operatives undercover in upscale Colonic Business in downtown DC. Tag line- "For these Agents, it's the Truth, the Hole Truth and nothing but the Truth!".

"Pull My Finger"- Fear Factor Meets Golden Girls! Geriatric prankster, Jackie O. Shinbein is your host and he puts fellow seniors through their paces on this game show for the mature crowd. Set in the gymnasium of their retirement community, Jackie dares a cadre of codgers to square off in a series of mind bending "stunts" designed to thin the herd and leave one player standing (aided by a walker) and eligible to collect a prize of three servings of tapioca pudding! But, really, it's the audience that wins while watching a gaggle of geezers compete in events like Jazzy Racing, Denture Distance Spitting, the Ben Gay rub down and, of course, Jackie's Famous Finger Pull!!! You'll say, "Finally, television that features older characters!"

"Reynolds Rap"- Finally, Burt Reynolds gets a format in which he can shine--a talk show! Watch nightly as Burt harasses, embarrasses, intimidates and demeans big name guests like Jim Nabors, Charles Nelson Reilly, Ed MacMahon and Mel Tillis! Experience the magic when Burt has a bad reaction to a mixture of pain killers and Wild Turkey and starts cursing at the camera operators! Wish you were him as Burt remembers hot details of his sexual capers with super fox, Judy Carne and geriatric love machine, Dinah Shore! See Burt set the tone for next year's fashions with his two-fisted wardrobe of black and red western shirts, cowboy boots with insanely complex patterns and ultra tight, nut-hugging jeans--with creases ironed in front! After one viewing of "Reynolds Rap" you'll agree- Stroker Ace WAS a great movie! Loni Anderson IS a bitch! Male pattern baldness IS NOT a laughing matter!

TAN- The Amish Network-Features shows like: "Shunning with Eli." Sinned lately? Feeling guilty but too busy with farm chores for a proper shunning? No problem! Just tune in to "Shunning with Eli" and feel bad about yourself as host, Eli Yoder, turns his back to the camera. AND you!

When you feel like you've been appropriately shunned, switch on "Shiny Things That Are Evil, with Eli" the show that informs AND infotains! Host, Eli Miller, lists a number of shiny items that God doesn't want you to use, like zippers, toasters and rollerskates. Stay on the Lord's good side with help from this useful show!

Then, around sundown, turn on "Barn building with Eli." Wish you were there, when host Eli Taylor regales his viewers with barn building stories from "back in the day."

Finally, finish off the day with a dose of "Those English!" Host, Eli Kemper, points out the differences between the Amish and the English as only he can--with love AND laughter. You'll agree that "those English" are an odd bunch what with their electricity, laproscopic surgery and inside outhouses! And don't tune in late or you'll miss Eli's Top 10 List. Sample: Top 10 Things the English Do When Courting:

#10- Dance!
#9- Arrive for date--in a horseless carriage!
#8- Exchange gifts--of satanic shiny objects!
#7- Attend screening of satanic picture show!
#6- HOLD HANDS!...

You get the idea. Wholesome Amish fun for parents who are sick of all the sex and violence on "The Waltons" and "Father Murphy."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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