Build Date: Tue Apr 16 19:20:08 2024 UTC

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-- Johnnie Royale

More TV shows we'd like to see

by Greg Houston with assistance by Tracy Jacobs

2004-06-14 21:04:44

The second in a three-part series of TV shows we'd actually watch, if anyone in TV-land would put down their coke-straw long enough to do something original.

"Special Needs Stevie"- A unique and provocative hour of tv brought to you by the folks behind "Blind Cabbie" and "The Colostomy Bag Club." Stevie is a "special" student at Ross Glencoe High. In spite of his corrective shoes, hulking build, unpleasant odor, severe learning disabilities, extremely dangerous and violent outburst, fascination with fire and unhealthy fixation on the homecoming queen, Stevie just wants to fit in. While his fellow classmates are frightened of him, the school forces them to befriend Stevie and socialize with him--even though several of the students are injured by Stevie's dangerous behavior. Eventually, he's made the editor of the school paper even though he only publishes blank pages and pictures of robots. Will Stevie reach his goals of going to the prom, violently savaging the Homecoming Queen, stopping the grass from talking to him and, generally, fitting in? The whole family will be rooting for this lovable outcast! Everyone will love Special Needs Stevie!!!

"Low Carb Barb"- Australian cooking show featuring carnivore extraordinaire Barb. "Eat Meat, Mate!' is her motto and she serves up delicious tips on cooking everything from the family cat to a rainsoaked hitch-hiker.

"Darling, He's Dead!"- What happens when an incredibly wealthy couple lose all their money in an investment scam and, for the first time ever, have to earn a living? Why, they become detectives, of course! George Hamilton and Connie Selleca star as Franklin and Judith Diamond, the unlucky muckety-mucks who are forced to solve crimes for money. Luckily for them, whenever they're around, somebody dies! While they have no training as detectives and don't really solve the murders per se, they do make remarkably droll comments and drink enough alcohol to kill Bela Lugosi--all the while charming guest stars and viewers alike! You'll be "richer" for loving them!

"Phatso"- TV series starring comic giant, Dom DeLuise, reprising the role from his hit movie, "Fatso". Once again, Dom plays a fat guy--but, with a hip hop sensibility. Hilarity ensues week after week as Dom is relentlessly mocked for both his grotesque physique AND his inability to rhyme! Eat meets the street!

"I've Got 50 Wives!"- TV sitcom based on the life of Mormon zealot, Tom Greene. In a casting coup, the Canadian funnyman plays a Utah bigamist. Multiple marriage may never be the same again! In the first episode, unemployed fanatic Greene, realizes that he's got 73 dates to the big church social--on the SAME night! His friend, Chooch (William Christopher), convinces Tom to go ahead with the dates--pretending to be 73 identical twins!!! You'll roar with laughter at what is guaranteed to be a comedy classic! A must see for the entire family!

"Who's The Gook?"- Average Americans have to pick the Korean out of a lineup of various Asian Americans after having them perform simple tasks. Crazy misunderstandings combined with increased cultural awareness

"Robotic Agent Smith"- Nick "Bullet" Smith (Barry Van Dyke) is the best agent in the CIA, until he's virtually vaporized in a terrorist bomb blast in Paraguay. Just as this shattered agent is about to kick, a Japanese scientist, Dr. Miyogugi (BD Wong), working with our government, proposes experimental and risky surgery that will change Bullet Smith into a human robot (or, Humobot). Given the chance to keep the CIA's #1 agent alive, Supervisor O'Runion (Clu Gulager), gives the ok. Soon, Agent Smith is back in action--only better than ever! With his improved robot parts he is able to time travel, see the future, swim super fast, throw objects with great accuracy and become invisible! The only drawback is that his extremely delicate wiring needs constant supervision so, now, he and Miyogugi are forced to become roommates! See how this "odd couple" handle sharing a two bedroom apartment while traveling the world and fighting crime in exotic locations! There's literally no limit to the adventures they will have!!!!!

"It's A-Racket!" - Italian badminton player is hired to coach a team of misfits and delinquents in a newly formed Syrian Badminton League. The title also serves as his exasperated catch phrase when this pizza thrower tries to get his team of Muslim eightballs to understand even the basic equipment of this strange new sport!

"Hey, You're Ugly!"- reality meets its match in this makeover show. A team of two snippy gay fashionistas and two underachieving high school juniors drive around the streets of Camden, N.J. yelling the show's title from a 1978 Dodge van. This crack team cracks wise and offers the urban uglies advice like, "Put a bag over your head" and "Take your head out of the refrigerator and stick it in your oven." Shots of ugly, tear-stained faces send uplifting message that painful criticism of strangers may convince folks to fix themselves up a little!

"So's your House"- from the folks who brought you "Hey, You're Ugly,” this show includes footage of the Fabulous Four shouting at unattractive people and then following them home where they mock their dwellings. A show that says civic pride and neighborhood beautification are cool! "After all," says hair stylist, Gercin Krenkle," ugly houses are the ugly people of architecture." Right you are, Gercin!

"So's Your Kid"- more improvement! Just because they're smaller doesn't mean ugly kids don't assault the senses too! In this show, it's yucky youngsters that get an earful and a lesson in belonging!

"So's Your Pet"- an ugly Fido is Fab Four No-No. The animal kingdom has no room for homely hounds or funky felines! In this show ugly animals get made over... into food for attractive animals!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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