The first in a three-part series of TV shows we'd actually watch, if anyone had the balls to put them on the air.

"Stillborn Stew" - After being stillborn and pronounced dead, young Stewart suddenly comes to life. With a gift! Stillborn Stew has the ability to see 5 seconds into the future! He then becomes a gambler but finds it frustratingly difficult to lay bets down in time to win. This forces him to take a job doing secretarial work for a hot single mom. Combines "X-Files" and "Who's the Boss?"

"Put Out Or Shut Up!"- Each week a famous pimp shows an average, henpecked suburban husband how to control his woman. Nagging wives are forced to quit nagging or be turned into prostitutes and turned out onto the streets.

"Cecil David: DUI"- Cecil David (Robert Davi) never learns his lesson. Each week he gets drunk and drives his battered mobile home only to be pulled over and ticketed. His community service requirements take him all over the city and into relationships with strangers who need his help. This is the feelgood drama that shows it's o.k. to drive drunk if it ends up bringing a crack whore back together with her kids or getting an old grouch into the Pets-On-Wheels program. Uplifting social message.

"Monkey May I?"- a game show with a monkey for a host. Contestants must get fickle monkey's permission before answering questions.

"Foul Balls" - Baseball was never like this! Two 13 year-old boys (Danny Heister and Matt Filwonger) snicker, sneer and make offensive sexual remarks as real announcers call actual baseball games! Secretly fearing that they may, in reality, be homosexual, these two "screwballs" are adept at making homophobic double entendres out of nearly every baseball term or phrase! Hear them giggle as announcers say, "grab his lumber," "swing his wood," "switch hit," "gets fisted," "long balls," "busts him inside,” "chin music," or "finding his stroke." You never realized baseball was so gay!

"Leave It To Cleavage"- career gal finds success, popularity after gigantic breast implants. Will her new attitude spoil the friendship she has with her Amish roommate?

"RoboDate"- Game show. Contestant is set up on blind date with a realistic looking robot programmed to end the evening having sex. Later, in the studio, the contestant is confronted by the robot with a hidden video of the sexual encounter and a list of his/her sexual shortcomings. Contestant's exes are invited to sit on stage and make mocking comments. No prizes are awarded.

"Hemophiliac Boxing"- What happens when two fighters with a genetic predisposition to bleed uncontrollably climb into the ring and exchange jaw rattling blows? Carnage you couldn't see in the Roman Circus!! So much blood flows in the first round alone that you'll think you're at a Herschell Gordon Lewis marathon! Who will win? The audience, that's who! Poncho wearing fans cheer from blood-soaked seats as the fighters grow progressively weaker. Televised Exsanguination at its finest!!!

"No, You Suck!"-Two male prostitutes share an apartment in Dayton, Ohio. One is messy, one is neat. They bicker about everything!

"Easy Rider--The Series"- Lorenzo Lamas is Captain America. Antonio Sabato Jr. is Wyatt. Two coke dealers ride bikes across modern day America. each week a new adventure. Just like the movie only less pot and Wyatt has X-ray vision.

"White Chocolate"- Bigoted meter maid dies and comes back as fat black woman. Hysteria ensues! As the show progresses she goes from being appalled at her circumstances to using her newly acquired sassiness to show up and tell off skinny bitches. And Whitey! Lessons in tolerance are learned by all.

"Fuzz Balls!" -Tennis "Pro" Anne Jillian runs a prostitution ring out of a tennis club. Club owner (and cop) Joseph Bologna, is blind to her operation-- but not to her charms! Comedy the whole family will love!!!

"Meet Mom & Dad"- each week a shy, socially awkward young man meets young women. That's the easy part. Introducing them to Mom and Dad is the hard part- since they're both dead! Comedy unfolds as meek Wayne brings potential gal pals home to meet mummified corpses of his parents. Laugh out loud when the girls' shrieks force Wayne to hack them to bits with an axe. Will this shlub ever find love?!

"Something's Fishy"- each week an unclean French woman tries to find and keep a job with disastrous results due to her unpleasant odor. Hilarious!

"Well, I'll Be A Monkey's Uncle!"- near destitute gambler's nephew dies and comes back as monkey. By day they pose as an Organ Grinder and his chimp while at night they try to beat Vegas' biggest casinos all the while getting into (and out of) one crazy scrape after another. Series tag lines: "We bet you'll go bananas for 'Monkey's Uncle'!", "When their scheme goes south it's Chimp-Plan-B for this odd couple!" and "If you think this show stinks you should smell Zippo's diaper!" Possible episode tag lines: "When he sees his former girlfriend's new breast implants, it's Zippo who's 'homo erectus'!" or "If long arms, a hairy back and throwing of fecal matter make you laugh, watch this week's `Monkey's Uncle' guest starring Bea Arthur!"

kabdriver@pigdog.org