Build Date: Sun May 18 06:40:35 2025 UTC
I quit drinking, and then I lost my car, and my house, my girlfriend and my job and my self respect. Now I'm homeless, unemployed, riding public transpo, broke, unloved and suicidally depressed, but you know what? today I don't have to drink.
-- Splicer
El Destino versus the Nielsens
2002-01-21 22:44:20
"This is Deborah with the Nielsen TV ratings service," the cheery voice on the phone said. Viewers across America were about to be represented by a degenerate freak like me...
You're a paranoid geek, sitting home alone, and your phone rings. What the -- I should've asked her how she got my phone number; it's unlisted! But okay, Deborah -- assuming that is your REAL name... Bring it on. What is it the Nielsen ratings want to know today?
"Well, first of all, sir: what kind of TV shows do you watch." There was a pause. Er, I'd always assumed the questions would be more specific.
"Um...cartoons?" I said.
"And news. Sometimes I like to watch the news."
"And comedies. I like comedies. And dramas." Ooo, yeah. That oughta mess with their heads. I'm stickin' it to the Man!
Sadly, that was pretty much the only question Deborah had. (Besides whether or not I was the head of the household.) Oh, and there was one more question. "Please bear with me, sir. Are you of Spanish or Hispanic origin?
"That is, are any of your ancestors, parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and so on, from a Spanish-speaking country. Like Mexico, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or Spain."
Am I really sure this isn't some white supremacist group? I mean, she didn't ask if I spoke Spanish -- but rather, if I my great-grandfather may or may not have been Spanish. How will this help NBC know whether or not to bring back Blossom? I asked her to repeat the question, and sure enough, the Nielsen people had apparently written it out for Deborah on a little card.
"Are you of Spanish or Hispanic origin? That is, are any of your ancestors, parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and so on, from a Spanish-speaking country. Like Mexico, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or Spain."
That offended me for some reason. Some stranger calls out of the blue and starts asking questions about my gene pool. "We want to know better how to exploit Hispanics such as yourself by popularizing worthless consumer products," they're really saying. "The Nielsen organization thanks you for your time."
I feel dirty.
So here's a tip from El Destino, all you TV-viewing ladies and gentlemen aross this fine, proud and diverse nation of ours. From now until doomsday, whenever a pollster calls you up...
Lie.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)