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American Hero Shoots Self in Ass
2002-01-03 11:26:04

Mocking Parade
[I'm] too dumb to live, too damn lucky to die.
-- Mr. Bad


Americans are enthralled with the heroic tales of Our Men and Women in Uniform coming in from Afghanistan -- swashbuckling stories of torturing Al Qaeda prisoners, clearing smuggling routes for heroin cartels, and carpet-bombing orphanages and hospitals into smokey piles of gristle and cinderblocks. But it's important to remember that there's other American Heroes -- heroes who have answered the call of homeland security and stayed right here in the USA, ready at any time to shoot themselves in the ass in defense of Freedom.

The facts of the case are simple: a National Guardsperson, called up by President Bush to defend Our Nation's Airport Facilities -- specifically, San Francisco International -- from the threat of terrorist attack, was trying to take out his gun for some reason and managed to shoot himself in the assal region of the body. Nobody else was hurt, or, really, even quite AROUND for the self-sacrificing ass attack, and why the Guardsperson felt the need to fire bullets into his own ass, even by mistake, remains a mystery.

But one thing is for certain: if those Al Qaeda terrorists had come out of the caves where they live and burrow and dig and hide long enough to go to San Francisco International Airport in the little closed-off section where civilians aren't allowed to go, well, they'd learn a thing or two about bravery, and specifically about bravely shooting yourself in the ass. No two ways about that.

Of course, some Americans might be a little queasy going to the airport now and seeing the ubiquitous camouflage-wearing storm troopers from the Guard walking around pointing their M-16 semi-auto rifles at pretty much any blinky light that walks by. Knowing that the weapon-bearing soldiers have just barely enough training to accidentally shoot themselves in the ass may also give such Americans pause for thought.

But those so-called Americans who think shit like that are traitorous wretches who are trying to destroy our nation's unity in the face of terror. Fuck them, I say! If some asses have to get shot, EVEN BY OUR OWN PEOPLE, in order to keep Osama bin Laden, his minions, and those who harbor them from shoplifting Rice-a-Roni at the Golden Gate Gift Kart in Terminal 3, well, so be it.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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