Stupid Suck Parodies Stupid Slashdot
1999-12-13 18:06:26

Mocking Parade
I wish I was drunk, so I wouldn't have to think of tomorrow.
-- Head Freezin' Gene


Har har har! I don't know who I hate more -- Stupid Slashdot-dot-org or stupid Suck-dot-com! The cool part is that they hate EACH OTHER! Haw! I'm glad to see them gnawing at one other's THROATS like belligerent DRUNKS at a VEGAS BUFFET!

The deal is that Suck did this kind of lame parody of Slashdot today. I don't love all that much, but I kinda wish Suck'd done a better job. It wasn't all that funny, since it mainly concentrated on the fact that is mostly used by GEEKS and geeks apparently MASTURBATE a lot. Ha! That's a good one. Masturbation jokes: gotta love em.

Still, the ejaculation fascination makes you wonder if perhaps the lady doth protest too much, if you get my drift. I mean, don't those eggheaded fat girls that they draw in the cartoons over at look like they're kinda overattached to their pulsating showerheads? Makes ya cogitate a bit, eh? How else to explain the double chins and glazed eyeballs than by late-night Haagen-Dazs-and-Liquid-Silk binges? You can just picture the typical evening: tickle the fuzzy, guiltily watch "Ally McBeal," jiggle the handle some more, wolf down a whole box of dark chocolate Petit Ecoliers, grant an audience to the plastic ambassador, guiltily read last month's "Marie Claire," spank the housecat again, have a good cry, go to bed. Really, I mean, it's kind of obvious if you think about it.

On further reflection, I feel compelled to add that this Joey Anuff guy looks like a professional-grade pud-whacker if I ever saw one, too. That hunched little form and catty style are classic signs of habitual self-abuse. And as we all know, those New-Media turtleneck types take their masturbating quite seriously. They tend to go in for lots of Betty Page and "cutting-edge" Dutch bestiality vids and vintage 70s nudist magazines and Italian child-porn gang-bang photos and that kind of thing. Tasteless but so over-the-top as to be deniable: it all works into a very elaborate irony-and-metairony framework that you'd understand if you worked for Suck. Which you don't. Unless maybe. If so, Hi!

And MAN, don't even get me started on Carl "Leather Pants" Steadman. I mean, FUCKING GROSS. I wish I hadn't even brought it up, now. Feeling ill. Ugh.

Anyways, I don't want folks to take me the wrong way. I'm not trying to get down on masturbators or say that EVERY masturbator is a bad person who works for Suck. Some of my best friends are masturbators, and very few of them work for anyone associated with WIRED digital. I myself slap baloney quite frequently, and you don't see me whoring my ass out to Lycos, do you? No! Obviously not. I'm just saying that by all appearances there seems to be some connection. So, just keep your eyes open is all I'm asking.

All right, so I'm gonna go flog the manatee over some Enlightenment source code. But you should go look at the teeny-tiny squint-o-vision of the Suck Slashdot parody. Har!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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