Build Date: Mon Feb 16 14:00:12 2026 UTC
I hope some Arch-Angel Waitress in a tight fitting cocktail dress, with a small nose and really big tat tats, smacks you in the head for sucking down those LFPs and not tipping.
-- Johnnie Royale
Raisin Scare Grinds Canadian Economy to a Halt
2002-04-17 15:34:15
The message is clear: if you're a raisin, stay the hell out of Canadia.
Or at least that seems to be the gist of a recent article in a Candian newspaper. Raisins "impair learning ability, affect behaviour; there are links to anti-social behaviour, juvenile delinquency and crime," claims one weirdo. Which could be true. But how would you tell the difference between an Impaired Canadian and a Normal one? I never got that far in my textbook, unfortunately, so I'll just have to keep on the lookout for Weird Canadians holding boxes of raisins.
Now if you're Canadian, I'm sure you've gone and looked at this link and are just about to fire off a nasty letter to the Pigdog hatemail box pointing out that what the article is actually fretting over is not really raisins, per se, meaning those delicious wrinkled grapes that we here in America put on our cereal and that those up in Canadia sprinkle over their mutton-flavored sherbet, but certain types of lead-covered raisins imported from places like Turkey and Afghanistan, where lead is considered a delicacy.
Yes, I understand all of that. The lead is causing all of these horrible juvenile deliquency problems, not the raisins themselves. We're very clear on that point, so hold your email.
Here's what I want to know, however: why the fuck do you people eat lead-covered raisins? What sort of weird mutants are you all, anyway? I could understand dipping things in chocolate; chocolate tastes good, and it doesn't turn infants into mutants. I even sort of understand poutine, after a fashion; it's not any weirder than grits, really, and it makes sense in a sort of "freezing the split pea soup" sort of Canucky way. But lead? LEAD?
What sort of people would do a thing like that? Don't you understand that lead is a POISON? You can't just go around ingesting heavy metals and expecting to pay no consequences. What's the next big story we're going to find on canada.com? "Doctors Warn Against Being Stabbed?" "Experts: Cyanide Tablets Not 'Cure All' As Previously Thought?"
Do I have to explain everything to you Canadians?
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Absinthia: The Pigdog Interview
Absinthe is making a come back for the Millennium. Even English people are slurping it down in pubs, eschewing their normal, healthy stouts and ales. And why not? Hell, if the planet is going to explode anyway, why not ride the DEATH WAVE in, and celebrate Y2K with the most entertaining and vicious elixir you can find? Come! Explore the "Absinthe Underground" with El Snatcher, Mr. Bad, and Splicer, as they interview the notorious absinthe bootlegger, Absinthia. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
