Build Date: Fri Jul 11 11:50:36 2025 UTC
She looks really unhappy. Maybe she should be on Pigdog.
-- Johnnie Royale
Once More Into the Behavioral Sink, Boys!
2000-05-10 00:28:05
Frankly, I just wanted to use that headline for something. I didn't have anything to go with it, so I looked around and found this story about Bryan Adams, the kind of story that makes you think, "Ick, Bryan Adams!" So now I can use this headline!
Also I get to piss off Canadians some more by using that headling and writing about Bryan Adams. Canadians love Bryan Adams, you see. He is their Cliff Richard, and you just can't tell them they are wrong and stupid for living Bryan Adams, even if they are. It is like if we here in America all got up one day and told the world, "Jim Nabors is our Great National Treasure! No one is a great a singer as Jim Nabors, so fuck off Italy and Spain and all those places with one or more of the Three Tenors! Jim Nabors kicks your BUTT!"
Ah, how dumb we would be. Ergo, Jim Nabors = Bryan Adams, except for exactly real to Canadia. See?!? Would you take any smack from a country like that? I don't think so. Real countries have real heroes. Like we have Mario Andretti. And Austria has Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Jamaica has those bobsled guys. Canadia has Bryan Adams, because that is the sort of chumps that they are up there.
Oh, so the story that the headline goes with! Some venture capitalist in Vancouver got married, and for the entertainment for the wedding, he had Bryan Adams "flown in from London" to play "music." Like Bryan Adams is really just sitting around waiting to be "flown in from London." Right. I bet he was working at a volunteer car wash in Saskatoon when the call came, and just SAID he was in London. And there's a big story about in the Vancouver Sun, because Canadians are desperate people.
I bet if Howie Mandel told jokes at some American guy's wedding, it wouldn't be in any real newspapers. Maybe some kind of giveaway shopper's sheet, but we aren't that kind of people, really.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)