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Canadians Fear Sexy Coke Machine
2000-03-16 19:30:53

Canadia Sucks
I hate the Man just about as much as he hates me.
-- Johnnie Royale


Oversexed Canadian schoolchildren are complaining about subliminal images in their Coke machine. An "education reporter" from the Vancouver Sun was dispatched to the scene. Reporting from ground-zero in this battle against sex-promoting beverage ads, she found students staring at the innocuous red-and-white front glass saying they saw busty women.

One student accused the Coca-Cola company of programming them to associate the soft drink with sex -- calling the tactic "a sad reflection on Coke." The paper ran a picture of concerned students staring at the front of their coke machine, and tracked down Coke's Vice President of Public Affairs in Toronto demanding an explanation. School administrators, apparently worried that Pepsi may start passing out copies of Hustler in Montreal, are asking Coke to replace the advertising on the machines with pictures of Coke that are less sexually-suggestive.

It's a harsh lesson for the Canadians, who have already surrendered their school's hallways to advertising, and are now haggling about the content. Neither Canadian school administrators, nor Canadian journalists, want to confront their darkest unspoken fear: that this isn't a crusade against sex-positive advertising moguls, but a pointless witch hunt overlooking their original cowardly surrender to corporate advertisers.

Vancouver is apparently already a hotbed of teen sexuality and sex-positive media. "Most of us have seen more nudity than that in movies," a 14-year-old Canadian told the Vancouver Sun reporter. Remember that the next time you see a photo captioned "students believe the ice on the can is a large-breasted woman lying on her back." The real problem isn't the images; it's the minds of students corrupted by the perverted culture in which they live. Don't blame Coke. Blame Canada.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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