Build Date: Fri Feb 14 10:50:10 2025 UTC
We're basically twelve angry men and a couple of chicks...
-- Johnnie Royale
Let's See Him Get Out of This One
2000-02-08 13:09:38
Canadian Magician and Servant of Satan Doug Henning is now attempting an ancient escape act so unique and dangerous that only one other performer has successfully succeeded in performing it over 2000 years ago!
For those who may not be familiar with Doug, Mr. Henning rose to fame in the 1970's by
Fortunately, people realized that act was mediocre, and dropped him like a hot potato. With no more juicy American dollars to keep afloat his feeble hobby, Doug was forced to return to a humble existence of performing at children's birthday parties in Moose Jaw, usually in an alcohol/heroin stupor (rumor has it this would turn violent on some occasions).
In his favor, it should be noted that every night he would lock himself in his basement for hours. Strange noises, smells and chanting would drift up from the floorboards, hinting a promise that something terrific was to come. Last night, Doug revealed what would be the feat that would put him above and beyond his modern peers. Doug would defeat death itself!
Last night, a naked Doug laid in his deathbed. He dismissed all but a doctor (in order to do medical certifications) from his room. He is said to have eaten enough opium to kill a herd of bison, as he chanted strange verses of an unknown language while holding two large black candles. The 54-year-old illusionist expired sometime around midnight. The only instructions left was that his body was to be autopsied by a blindfolded first year medical student using only kitchen utensils. This evening, his body and internal organs will be buried in separate graves. Both will be filled with scavenging insects such as maggots and Carrion Beetles, a few hours later a layer of fertilizer will be dumped in before being topped off with radioactive concrete, with the surrounding soil being saturated with 80,000 gallons of hydrochloric acid.
If all goes well, The Amazing Doug will rise out of the grave in three days. If he pulls this one off, he most certainly will restore the awe of magic, not to mention that the people of Canadia are not the evil sub-demons the world views them as being.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so there's that. (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)