Build Date: Wed Apr 17 00:40:09 2024 UTC

I see a REAL BAD HANGOVER in your IMMEDIATE FUTURE.
-- Head Freezin' Gene

German Brewery Creates Powdered Swill

by Baron Earl

2023-03-23 00:52:26

German brewery Klosterbrauerei Neuzelle has developed what it's calling "powdered beer". Add the powder to a glass of water and you get a glass of what looks and smells like beer. What they're not telling people are the serious downsides of their new beverage, drawbacks that offend the palate and sensibilities of beer drinkers everywhere. What they've invented is swill.

Klosterbrauerei Neuzelle General Manager Stefan Fritsche said that "We have calculated that, if we now relate this to Germany, we can save about 3 to 5 percent of the CO2 emissions for Germany alone."

The reason that the beer reduces CO2 emissions so much is because the beer contains no CO2. When you add the beer powder to a glass of water, the glass develops a head of foam, but the "beer" itself has no bubbles -- it's flat. Have you ever drank a room temperature beer after it's gone flat? It's disgusting. Not like beer at all. Something that, when it hits your tongue, your first impulse is to spit it out as quickly as possible and grab a fresh beer -- from an ice cold bottle or can.

But it gets worse. Not only does the powdered "beer" have no bubbles, IT ALSO HAS NO ALCOHOL.

Turns out that making powdered alcohol is a WHOLE LOT HARDER than reducing the solids in a beer to dehydrated swill powder, and the bevertologists at Klosterbrauerei Neuzelle haven't figured out how to do that yet. Rather than admit failure, they're sending out press releases about their foul abomination and calling it success.

But we know better. Powdered beer tastes like failure, because it is failure.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

oarsman@pigdog.org

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