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1999-11-17 01:56:38

Beaujolais, Baby!
You know, these beers are only the beginning...
-- El Snatcher


It's that time of year again, my delicieux friend! Yes indeed! The BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU is upon us! For the last time this CENTURY! And I must say, BEAUJOLAIS to that!!

If you don't know, now you know: Beaujolais is the delicious and particularly CHEAP wine produced by the BEAUJOLAIS prefecture of la belle France. Every year, the new (= bitter, highly alcoholic, cruel and painful) wine of this year's vintage is kept as a TOP HIGH GOVERNMENTAL SECRET at the most ELEVATED ECHELONS of the nation of France! That is, until the THIRD THURSDAY of NOVEMBRE, when the BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU is released upon the world like a BACCHANALIAN SHITSTORM!

Seriously, the Frogs make a big fucking deal about RESTRICTING ACCESS to the Beaujolais nouveau to their most LOYAL OPERATIVES on a strictly NEED-TO-KNOW basis before the 3rd Thu. Freaky d00ds in berets and striped frog shirts walk around with mirrorshades and briefcases of Beaujolais nouveau HANDCUFFED to their wrists to prevent the secret from falling into unfriendly hands. Those who violate the CODE of SILENCE are EXECUTED with EXTREME PREJUDICE. Serious! I saw it in "Hate"! It's a real bad scene all the way around!

But, when the Beaujolais nouveau is unleashed, UNHOLY WINESLOBBERING of BIBLICAL PROPORTION ensues! It has to be seen to be believed! On this Thursday, November 18th, all around the world, like a OENOLOGICAL TIMEBOMB, the CLOSELY GUARDED CASES of Beaujolais nouveau will be SPRUNG like Siegfried and Roy's WHITE TIGERS upon an unsuspecting populace! Women will SWOON with winey fevers, and men will SNORT and DIG like TRUFFLE PIGS in the wine bars of the GLOBE!

Mobs will take to the streets, splashing Beaujolais nouveau upon their naked skin and heaving breasts! Children will weep in corners as their once-civilized parents RUT like NAKED BEASTS under Beaujolais's cruel spell! In decadent candlelit secret chambers, the elite will bathe in GLASS BATHTUBS of the acidy red FLUID! Fire and Wine are KING! The world awaits the BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU to FREE the SICK and RAVENOUS ANIMAL within!

This Thursday, PLUNGE into your lower nature and enjoy the Beaujolais nouveau with us! Pigdog will be SLOPPING like HOGS at TROUGHS of BEAUJOLAIS in our nearest mixology lab. Thence we will SPREAD LIKE A DISEASE through the streets of the City, STABBING passersby and forcing JEROBOAMS of WINE down their raw and bleeding throats! Come with us! The time is nigh! BURN, Beaujolais! Burn with le feu NOUVEAU!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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