Build Date: Thu Mar 5 04:50:08 2026 UTC
Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
-- Spock
Bizarro Olympic Hijiacking Arrest
2002-02-13 11:36:39
The important bit isn't that this guy performed an act of extreme hijacking, by going to the bathroom 5 minutes later than the federal law allows. The important bit isn't that he faces up to 20 years in prison. The important thing is that he's BIZARRO!
Richard Bizarro was arrested for getting up to use the bathroom 5 minutes after the permitted time in Utah.
As far as I know, he was not quoted as saying:
"Me am just going to bathroom! Airplane laws am not restrictive enough!"
Because his name was BIZARRO! Get it? Isn't that rad?
Now, I'm not going to use some sort of paralepsis to imply that Utah has a strong trend recently of racism, especially against traditionally Catholic nationalities, and I'm certainly not going to waste your time, and mine, with stories of New Years' Eve Y2K and the government liquors of Cache Valley. I'm certainly not going to use any kind of paralepsis to imply selective enforcement of weird, Draconian laws on airplanes.
Instead, I'm going to make Super Friends references!
"Bizarro LOVES to go to prison! Bizarro am random victim!"
Apparently, this guy, who was 59, got up to go to the bathroom, and when he came back, he gave someone a thumbs-up. Which meant that the air marshalls on board ordered all passengers to put their hands on their heads for the rest of the flight!
There were three undercover air marshalls on board.
Uh, the Olympics was also involved. This is a new SLC rule, starting February 5, which forbids using the bathroom if the landing is 30 minutes away.
I wonder how long they'll put you in if you don't have your belt buckled.
But, boy howdy, I can tell you that I definitely feel safer.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
