Build Date: Sun Jun 16 16:00:09 2024 UTC
Man! I didn't even know they _had_ retarded monkey whorehouses. Cool!
-- Mr. Bad
Great News for Fag-bashers!
2001-06-15 18:59:18
Boy, Congress thinks of everything! They added this great section to the recent big-socks education reform bill that protects against discrimination. Specifically, they protect fagbashers from discrimination! Yay! This way, you can have your own anti-homosexual group and be guaranteed your rights!
Okay, the cool thing about how Congress works is that tons of shit gets tacked on to bills. This is known in politics as "being a sneaky lying motherfucker who deserves to be curbstomped". An example of this is the amendment Jesse Helms just put into an education reform bill, which automatically strips federal funding from any school that denies any youth group access based on their views of sexual orientation.
It's specifically designed for the Boy Scouts, of course. Here's the deal about the Boy Scouts:
I was a Boy Scout, and I'm very happy I was. I went to camp, learned a lot of things, learned politics and survival and swimming, did social things, and it was all good. I grew a lot from it. I think most people who were in the Boy Scouts had similar experiences.
But the Boy Scouts are also a major pillar of the tacky Disneyland-looking structure that is the Church of Latter Day Saints. The LDS church is really big on Boy Scouts - it's very scary how intensive they are about it. The LDS, they're not so big on smoking pole, and they have a lot of clout in the Boy Scouts. So they push the Boy Scouts into banning homosexuality. I assert that, except for the Mormon troops, no one really enforced or cared about the homosexuality thing. In fact, there was a lot of protest and anger when Fawn Featherstone, head fucker of Mormon Boy Scouts (and high muckety muck among the LDS and the BSA), tried to lay his fagbashing crap on the kids. They shifted uncomfortably, they wanted to walk out, and they sure didn't believe him.
But Jesse Helms is just as much of a tarantula-headed nogoodnik, and is intent on combatting "the organized lesbians and homosexuals in this country of ours." Obsess much, Jesse? I hate to tell you this, but North Carolina's upside-down pink research triangle ain't exactly going to back you on this.
Um, am I rambling? I'm almost done, honest.
So, a lot of schools are not okay with the Boy Scouts' policy of discrimination against gays. The BSA can't change it, because the Mormons have them by the purse-strings. Instead, they put pressure on Congress to save them. Congress does this is in the most blind fashion possible.
And now there's a really dumb law, coming soon to a theatre near you.
So, I know that a good number of our readers are still in high school. Guys, here's what I'd like you to do. Go to your clubs group thing and start a club.
Call it the "Short-sighted Government Guaranteed No-Gays" club. The purpose of the club should be, specifically, to ban homosexuals. Threaten your school district that they'll lose funding if they don't allow the club! And let them use the classrooms! And, uh, let you jump up and down on the tables! And make them buy you pizza!
Then start being real assholes about it. Demand to put up signs in the quad that say "We Like To Discriminate Against Gays And You Can't Stop Us" and, while you're at it, "Punx Not Dead" and "Fuck the Police". And if they take down the sign, sue the fuck out of them!
And tell your vice-principal that Pigdog sent you!
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)