Boy, Congress thinks of everything! They added this great section to the recent big-socks education reform bill that protects against discrimination. Specifically, they protect fagbashers from discrimination! Yay! This way, you can have your own anti-homosexual group and be guaranteed your rights!

Okay, the cool thing about how Congress works is that tons of shit gets tacked on to bills. This is known in politics as "being a sneaky lying motherfucker who deserves to be curbstomped". An example of this is the amendment Jesse Helms just put into an education reform bill, which automatically strips federal funding from any school that denies any youth group access based on their views of sexual orientation.

It's specifically designed for the Boy Scouts, of course. Here's the deal about the Boy Scouts:

I was a Boy Scout, and I'm very happy I was. I went to camp, learned a lot of things, learned politics and survival and swimming, did social things, and it was all good. I grew a lot from it. I think most people who were in the Boy Scouts had similar experiences.

But the Boy Scouts are also a major pillar of the tacky Disneyland-looking structure that is the Church of Latter Day Saints. The LDS church is really big on Boy Scouts - it's very scary how intensive they are about it. The LDS, they're not so big on smoking pole, and they have a lot of clout in the Boy Scouts. So they push the Boy Scouts into banning homosexuality. I assert that, except for the Mormon troops, no one really enforced or cared about the homosexuality thing. In fact, there was a lot of protest and anger when Fawn Featherstone, head fucker of Mormon Boy Scouts (and high muckety muck among the LDS and the BSA), tried to lay his fagbashing crap on the kids. They shifted uncomfortably, they wanted to walk out, and they sure didn't believe him.

But Jesse Helms is just as much of a tarantula-headed nogoodnik, and is intent on combatting "the organized lesbians and homosexuals in this country of ours." Obsess much, Jesse? I hate to tell you this, but North Carolina's upside-down pink research triangle ain't exactly going to back you on this.

Um, am I rambling? I'm almost done, honest.

So, a lot of schools are not okay with the Boy Scouts' policy of discrimination against gays. The BSA can't change it, because the Mormons have them by the purse-strings. Instead, they put pressure on Congress to save them. Congress does this is in the most blind fashion possible.

And now there's a really dumb law, coming soon to a theatre near you.

So, I know that a good number of our readers are still in high school. Guys, here's what I'd like you to do. Go to your clubs group thing and start a club.

Call it the "Short-sighted Government Guaranteed No-Gays" club. The purpose of the club should be, specifically, to ban homosexuals. Threaten your school district that they'll lose funding if they don't allow the club! And let them use the classrooms! And, uh, let you jump up and down on the tables! And make them buy you pizza!

Then start being real assholes about it. Demand to put up signs in the quad that say "We Like To Discriminate Against Gays And You Can't Stop Us" and, while you're at it, "Punx Not Dead" and "Fuck the Police". And if they take down the sign, sue the fuck out of them!

And tell your vice-principal that Pigdog sent you!

Check it out yourself

iambic@pigdog.org