I think no one would have bothered having a Civil War if they knew that a hundred and fifty years ago, the main cash crop of the South would be massive civil liability. Actually, I'm just babbling.

So here's how I see it, these days: every judge out there is willing to just sort of rubber stamp lawsuits against the tobacco industry. Except maybe in North Carolina, where everyone is the tobacco industry's bitch.

I mean, I saw some ads saying things like "Don't believe Tobacco Industry Lies. They'll say anything for money." And at the bottom, in not-quite-so- small print, it says that the ad was paid for by a lawsuit against the tobacco industry. Can you imagine anything so humiliating? Maybe they should force by lawsuit for all the tobacco executives to public announce that they are bad people. And they can't wear any clothes.

Anyway, so the tobacco industry has made a lot of money over the years, and has it all stored up in nice, easy bundles of billions of dollars. So it's like a big clearinghouse! Just write an essay of 100 words or less about why you are entitled to billions of dollars from the tobacco industry and you could be the next winner!

The next people lining up to sue the tobacco industry are... the tobacco industry!

Cigarette wholesalers are suing tobacco companies now, in a large class action clusterfuck, for price fixing. There will be billions of dollars involved.

Like, all cigarette wholesalers suing all tobacco manufacture companies.

Normally, you'd think that an entire segment of industry would not attempt to alienate itself from another entire segment of industry on which they're dependent. In this case, though, I'm sure they'll make more money by suing than by trying to continue business with a sinking ship.

This is what I'd calling "sacking and looting," only on a wide litigation- oriented sort of order.

Chomp chomp chomp!

Check it out yourself

zales@pigdog.org