I know that in this Season of
Sharing and Caring I should not call somebody "The World's Most
Evil People in the Entire World," but I can't help it, because
they really are. It's just the TRUTH, and TRUTH has no season!
I really can't help it. I just can't. Reporting is what we DO here at Pigdog
Journal, and I cannot shirk my journalistic responsibility just to avoid making
people cry on Christmas. It's just the way it is. It's my job.
So ANYWAYS, let's talk about the World's Most Evil People in the Entire World.
They are Hot Liquid Media. See if you can figger out what these horrible,
horrible people do from this evil story on their Web site:
Hot Liquid Media, Inc. (HLM) was created to help businesses
promote their products and/or services through a creative and
HLM has taken a staple product used in the specialty coffee retail
industry and turned it into a
unique way for businesses to build high quality brand recognition
HLM clients benefit from a stand alone advertising campaign that is
hand delivered to thousands
of consumers daily
Got it yet? OK, quit scratching yer head, because here's the SEKRIT ANSWER: They
put ADVERTISING onto the little ROUND CARDBOARD CUPHOLDERS that you get at
cafes! Those little tuby round corrugated things that fit around the cup and
keep you from getting yer fingers burnt and dropping your double depth-charge
and spilling it on your feet and then yer FEET are burned. Those things! They
put ADS on them! Isn't that the most HORRENDOUS thing you've ever heard of?
OK, well, some of you might be getting pissed off right about now. I'm
exaggerating somewhat with the "World's Most Evil People" schtick. There are
some pretty damn evil people in this world, what with the killing and the
torturing and the bombing and the maiming and harassing and stuff. Putting
advertising on cardboard cupholders kind of pales in comparison to that really
REALLY bad stuff. But, you see, BUT, I am exaggerating for EFFECT, and that's
WELL within the bounds of journalistic ethics.
The thing is that as people in this great nation we are PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED
with ubiquitous advertisements that PLUNGE into our eyeballs like HOT VAPID
CHOPSTICKS from every available surface in range. They're STOMACH-TURNING
reminders of every disgusting concept that is wrong and bad in our society: You
GOTTA get rich NOW! Have a dumb boring family! Your ASS SMELLS! Use disgusting
toxic petrochemicals to make life easier! White people rule the earth! Your car
It's just really gross and stupid. It makes me nostalgic for the Cultural
Revolution, with all the flapping flags and propaganda. I'd much rather have
pictures of Chairman Mao staring down at me from every billboard than that
goddamned Snuggle bear. Or constipated grandmas. Or LARRY FUCKING ELLISON! Gar!
Anyways, ads are EVERYWHERE, and EVERYBODY hates them. Everybody! Nobody likes
seeing lots of ads! They katzenjammer in our heads and make us CRAZY!
So, why the FUCK would anyone think that there is a NEED for innovative new ways
to BOTHER PEOPLE with advertisements? Don't they realize that it will only make
us HATE THEM?! So WHAT if they get real rich real quick? They will have to spend
all their money protecting themselves from ANGRY, GARDEN-TOOL-WIELDING MOBS who
want to DISASSEMBLE their LEXUSes and then GARROTE them and then DRAG THEIR
GUCCI-CLAD BODY through the streets like a PINATA! So if you think about it
there's NO ANGLE.
The worst part about this Hot Liquid Media thing is that they only do
advertisements for DOT COM companies. (Actually, they say on their site that
they did an ad for Pennzoil, but I've never seen it. And who the fuck was the
genius thought of advertising PENNZOIL on COFFEE CUPS, anyways? Who's idea was
it to associate "motor oil" with "the dark brown liquid I am drinking right
now?") DOT COM company ads are the most HORRENDOUS because dot coms don't make
any money, so they are the most DESPERATE, and also because dot coms are
exploitative colonialist enterprises in my home culture of the Web, so I HATE
THEM. So, I dislike Hot Liquid Media even more, for reminding me of dot coms.
Actually, that's not the worst part. The WORST PART is that just because I drink
coffee, they get to use me as a HUMAN BILLBOARD to carry around their stupid AD
all over the streets. I go skipping down the lane with my coffee like an IDIOT,
totally oblivious to the fact that I've been TAGGED with corporate GRAFFITI! I
come off looking like an ASSHOLE who really really digs bullshit headhunter
websites like Guru.com. Well FUCK THAT! I got
my OWN agenda to push, and it doesn't include Guru dot fucking com, that's for
The problem is that you usually think that if you buy something with ADS
on/in/around/on top of it, the thing is going to be CHEAPER because the
advertisers subsidize the costs of the item. The thing is that this is PATENTLY
UNTRUE. Examples: magazines, which are like 90% ads, cost 7 or 8 bucks! For 2 or
3 dumb stories! Or, like, movies, which have a whole bunch of ads at the
beginning, plus "product placement" during the movie, and lots of ads in the
lobby or the bathroom or whatever, cost NINE BUCKS. That's just CRAZY! Shouldn't
these things be FREE, what with all the ads?
The answer is NO, because that whole defraying-the-costs thing is a big fat LIE.
My x-lg eggnog latte still costs THREE DOLLARS and FIFTY CENTS despite the fact
that there's a big dumb CNET ad on the side.
It's horrendous! They stick me with a HUGE bill for MEDIOCRE product, poke me in
the EYE with a BILE-INDUCING reminder of everything I hate in the world, add yet
more CHATTER to the millions of buzzing VERMIN in my contaminated infosphere,
humiliate me in PUBLIC with their dumb SYMBOLS, and then crow about it!
THAT, my friends, is why Hot Liquid Media are the World's Most Evil People in
the Entire World. I'm done. My ire is spent. Go see their site now. Don't miss
the art gallery.