Build Date: Thu Mar 28 19:20:03 2024 UTC
I know all about riding unicycles, as I went to circus school.
-- Ratsnatcher
Government Shutdown as Rabid Bats Swarm Northern Mexico
1999-06-07 21:24:10
AUGH! Rabid bats are swarming over the villages and towns of Northern Mexico, carrying away infants in their dripping septic jaws!
The Mexican news agency UPI reports that LOTS of people have been attacked by these flying rodents of the night! The bastardly mammals -- no better than squirrels, in this reporter's opinion -- have SHUT DOWN the bustling economy of Northern Mexico, turning it into an arid wasteland of BAT FEAR!
The horrendous androphagic bats thrive in the SWELTERING HEAT! It causes their bacterial BRAIN infections to fester and DRIVE THEM MAD with HATE! It does not take a BAT BIOLOGIST to know that humans will be the losers in this DIABOLICAL EQUATION.
The crazed flesh-eating bat situation is so horrific that the Mexican government has SEALED OFF THE AREA. But will that be enough? Can the HOT RABID BATS of MEXICO be stopped? Or is this a potential KILLER BEE situation requiring the FULL FORCE OF THE UNITED STATES MILITARY to stave off MEXICAN BLOODBAT BLITZKRIEGS throughout the American Southwest?!?!
Only time will tell. Keep your eye on this bat thing, folks.
T O P S T O R I E S
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
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High Availability Guinness Stress Test
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The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)