Build Date: Tue Mar 10 19:30:13 2026 UTC
I think we should fucking nuke Canadia. Especially the French part of Canadia.
-- Johnnie Royale
Ragged Band of Indomitable Celts Stage Desperate Last Stand Against Hedgehog Imperialists
2002-07-09 17:18:17
In the year of our lord two thousand and two, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, will charge the Western Isles. They will fight like warrior poets. They will fight like Scotsmen. And win their freedom. From hedgehogs.
"They have caused absolute havoc," stated George Anderson, a representative of the government's Scottish Natural Heritage agency. "It is a tough decision to take but there is no viable alternative." He then smeared wode across his face, threw off his kilt, and added, "Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce has aften led, Welcome to your gory bed, Or to victory!"
The hedgehogs are not native to Scotland's Uist isles; they were introduced in 1974 during the Norman Conquest, under the leadership of King Edward the Longshanks. Some 5,000 of the beasts are currently raping and pillaging the local Snipe, Lapwing, and Dunlin clans, driving the last desperate survivors to take up arms against their brutal hedgehog overlords. The SNH has sworn that all five thousand invaders will be "eradicated" by the native uprising.
While onlookers applaud the bravery and savage glory of the Scottish insurrectionists, many fear "a massacre," predicting that the noble barbarians will spend their lives in vain against the well-coordinated and technologically advanced hedgehog army. Meanwhile, emissaries for the hedgehogs say they'll make an example of the Gaels to any who would resist their dominion. "It's a bit sick," said Anne Jenkins of Britain's Hedgehog Preservation Society. "It gives people ideas and we have to make sure that this is stopped, because we want to prevent this idea catching on."
Off the record, one soldier in the Scottish resistance confirmed that the Scotsmen recognize the odds stacked against them, and are hoping to recruit allies in their struggle. "Three curraghs full of Eire's Red Branch warriors are coming to our aid," he whispered. "Tiocfaidh ar la!"
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
