Build Date: Thu Mar 28 10:00:06 2024 UTC
I pretty much like anything that has a penis.
-- Miss Conduct
Ragged Band of Indomitable Celts Stage Desperate Last Stand Against Hedgehog Imperialists
2002-07-09 17:18:17
In the year of our lord two thousand and two, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, will charge the Western Isles. They will fight like warrior poets. They will fight like Scotsmen. And win their freedom. From hedgehogs.
"They have caused absolute havoc," stated George Anderson, a representative of the government's Scottish Natural Heritage agency. "It is a tough decision to take but there is no viable alternative." He then smeared wode across his face, threw off his kilt, and added, "Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce has aften led, Welcome to your gory bed, Or to victory!"
The hedgehogs are not native to Scotland's Uist isles; they were introduced in 1974 during the Norman Conquest, under the leadership of King Edward the Longshanks. Some 5,000 of the beasts are currently raping and pillaging the local Snipe, Lapwing, and Dunlin clans, driving the last desperate survivors to take up arms against their brutal hedgehog overlords. The SNH has sworn that all five thousand invaders will be "eradicated" by the native uprising.
While onlookers applaud the bravery and savage glory of the Scottish insurrectionists, many fear "a massacre," predicting that the noble barbarians will spend their lives in vain against the well-coordinated and technologically advanced hedgehog army. Meanwhile, emissaries for the hedgehogs say they'll make an example of the Gaels to any who would resist their dominion. "It's a bit sick," said Anne Jenkins of Britain's Hedgehog Preservation Society. "It gives people ideas and we have to make sure that this is stopped, because we want to prevent this idea catching on."
Off the record, one soldier in the Scottish resistance confirmed that the Scotsmen recognize the odds stacked against them, and are hoping to recruit allies in their struggle. "Three curraghs full of Eire's Red Branch warriors are coming to our aid," he whispered. "Tiocfaidh ar la!"
T O P S T O R I E S
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)