Build Date: Tue Apr 16 21:10:06 2024 UTC

The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.
-- Lester Bangs

Ape Monster Ravages New Delhi

by Miles Standish

2001-05-15 16:31:54

Cryptozoology gone haywire? Human-chimp interbreeding project gone haywire? Pigdog crew in monkey masks gone a bit too gonzo gone haywire? Ayleens gone haywire? You decide. Well, you don't actually decide, I mean, what you pick won't change anything.

So, there's all these history channel specials about assorted modern and historical trouble, and various weirdness, and the thing that bugs me about them is that they insist on being tiresomely ambiguous. They never say, "As it turns out, the whole jackalope thing is just bullshit," or, "One suspect for the Jack the Ripper case was the mysterious Leather Apron, but that was ruled out," or better yet, "Based upon our research, the pyramids were definitely built by aliens and we open refute any claims to the contrary."

But this one is crypto-zoo-mania all confirmed and shit. The cops are observing it and working on it. People have like big monkey wounds on their faces from ape-man attacks. It's in a big city with access to modern communications equipment and not, like, in distant Mokole jungles or something, so hopefully we'll get it on camera and maybe interview this suburb-terrorizing monkey man monster guy.

I'm excited about this one.

I mean, if this had happened in the U.S., I bet the government would have suppressed it out of habit, like because that's what the U.S. government always does on T.V. Like, no U.S. Police station would even consider saying something like, "Last night alone we received 24 calls reporting such attacks." No fucking way. They'd deny it, or be really eery and vague. But not in India!

And it's got a monkey's face and a human body! And it leaps from roof to roof!

I want to put on a gorilla mask and leap from roof to roof in solidarity!

Oh, and apparently a industrial worker died because he jumped off a building after being awoken by the monkey-monster's cries. What? Did they ask him on the way down what made him jump? Are they just guessing?

I charge all of you with going out and bringing back photographs of this monkey monster! Go! Do it! You will be rewarded in the afterlife for your photographic deeds!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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