Build Date: Tue Apr 23 18:20:07 2024 UTC

I wish I had a chicken here right now so I could pull the head off as an object lesson to his evil little chicken friends. Fuckers.
-- Lenny the Nice

Dick-Swinging Alex Jones Gets His Pee Pee Wacked

by Flesh

2021-04-09 23:05:07

Noted human pond scum and cowardly little bully, Alex Jones, didn't get the results he was hoping for, in the highest court of the land.

Disgraced conspiracy pusher, cowardly bully, and dripping human anus, Alex Jones, thought that the Supreme Court was going to grant a pass on his rancid spewing of bile regarding his venomous lies about The Sandy Hook Elementary shooting being fake. Jones' felt that his slanderous deceitfulness was protected from lawsuits by Freedom of Speech, and he would be completely protected from consequences.

But he couldn't have been more wrong.

Rumor has it that he sent a $700 gift certificate from Fredricks of Hollywood to Justice Amy Coney Barrett, and first-class plane tickets to a hedonistic resort in Jamaica, along with six caseloads of beer, to Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. There are also unconfirmed reports that Jones was seen at The Dabney, emerging from under the table where Justice Clarence Thomas was dining, and wiping his mouth.

On the morning that the court was to decide if his case was to be heard, reports from spectators state that he was seen on the steps of the court, wearing Ted Nugent's unwashed loin cloth, and a threadbare tricorn hat. He wove an American flag, while taking slugs from a Jack Daniels bottle. On each side of him were two women, wearing what can only be described as being "sexy Trump" costumes. "Today, the Supreme Court will agree to hear, and ultimately side with me, because I have the right as an American to say and do anything I want!" Jones slurred into a battered bullhorn, to a crowd that watched him with the same interest those give a car crash, or a meth addict in a shopping center; most of whom dispersed.

But, much to the dismay and disappointment of both Jones and his lawyer, the highest court in the land refused to hear his appeal, angering Jones, who immediately turned around and urinated on the steps.

Jones promised that this would not be the end, and would take it even higher, to the secret court, located on the grounds of Yale. There was no comment from the Satan-worshiping, lizard Illuminati agents at the time of this writing.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

T O P   S T O R I E S

Celebrity endorsement impersonated

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G