Build Date: Sun Jun 15 15:14:54 2025 UTC
Last night I was at Denny's in Emeryville, and security guards wearing big uniforms, leather gloves, batons, and sidearms (45's maybe) seated us!! They weren't just standing around like normal security guards, they were the hosts.
-- Ratsnatcher
Big Oil Completely Innocent
2006-05-23 15:26:07
Buried somewhere in the relatively insignificant annals of this afternoon's secondary or tertiary news stories is a little piece about how the Federal Trade Commission has released its report that Big Oil hasn't been gouging Americans in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, or any time in the last 20 years, for that matter. There's been no market manipulation, no Enron-like scams, no nada. Big Oil has played by all the rules, succumbed to market forces, and otherwise been an upstanding capitalist citizen. Thank gawd the FTC was there to vindicate their buddies! The mind boggles as to what an actual investigation by a non-conflicted FTC might have found.
When I say "conflicted," I'm not talking about the usual roster of ex-oil junkies that pollute the Bush administration like so many empty beer cans at a Hells Angels barbecue. The FTC commissioners are all picked by the president and confirmed by the Senate, like most other appointees. The FTC rules are set up so that no more than three commissioners are allowed from a single political party. With a panel of five, that means that "balance" is achieved by a two-vote minority. Well, maybe not balance, but at least some obstruction if need be.
The current lineup of commissioners seems pretty balanced at first glance. Even a perfunctory scan of their relevant speeches looks reasonable. Then you start reading the speeches and opinions. That's when the whitewash leaps out. This group of commissioners has wanted to write the Big Oil report for years. These, coincidentally, are the same years during which Big Oil has become synonymous with Big Profit. Clearly someone was in a hurry for absolution and finally scored the right lineup of excusatory priests. One concurring opinion of FTC commissioner Jon Liebowitz reads like a play-by-play public relations press release from Big Oil, featuring such lame defenses as high oil cost, refinery problems, "provincial" gasoline mixes, and that always pesky "foreign demand." Even if the Commission is meant to be a balanced partisan endeavor, it seems clear that the Bush Bunch found the most sympathetic "lefties" they could and stocked the farm with them.
Anyone who seriously thinks that there's been no collusion or manipulation by Big Oil of factors justifying pump prices is living in a fool's paradise of rotten fruit and moribund meats. The way Big Oil exterminated independent service stations by utilizing restrictive purchasing requirements in franchise contracts demonstrates how invisible machinations produce catastrophic results. By wiping the natural competitors in the field, the oligarchs made the wild market all the more manageable, and malleable. What's good for One is good for All. All the time. We have to believe what they say because, well, there's no other story out there.
If you've been waiting for that big congressional investigation to root out the evils wrought by Big Oil, you can fucking forget about it. The FTC report gives all Senators and Congressmen/women the ability to say, "Well, that's that." Prosecuting Big Oil is simply impossible. Too many in Congress get money either directly or indirectly from Big Oil, be it campaign contributions, PAC donations, or, at the very least, stock dividends. Whatever chest-thumping outrage gets lip-served to the public in times when profiteering threatens yet another recession, the disappointing truth is that no one in Congress wants to investigate BIG OIL because the investigation will go nowhere. Somewhere along the line, enough pressure will be applied in subtle, yet effective, places to stymie any look behind the Black Curtain. Big Oil is ruthless, swift, unbelievably rich, well-connected, brutal, and capable of learning from others' mistakes. No Senator on Congressman/woman wants to stick their pencil neck into such an obvious guillotine.
No. Far better to bluster to the press, save face with the public, and wait for the FTC to issue a "Get Out of Hell For Free" report that obviates the need for any such potentially threatening investigation. Now that Big Oil has been cleared for twenty years of rape, sodomy, plunder, conversion, obstruction, obfuscation, fraud, extortion, robbery, and the Death of the American Dream, I'm sure everyone on Capitol Hill can go right back to the useless, spineless, soulless bureaucratic dickering they were engaged in before Dick and Jane Middleclass got in a tizz because the fuelling the Hummer was cutting into the cocaine and porn budget. If not, there's always Ambien.
But don't take my word for it. Utilize your dwindling Constitutional rights and see for yourself.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)