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Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm
Federal Judge Bitchslaps USAG John Ashcroft
2002-04-18 09:59:52
US Attorney General John Ashcroft quest to cripple Oregon's Right to Die Law suffered a serious set back yesterday as a Federal Judge ruled that John Ashcroft and the United States government had no legal reason to prevent doctors in Oregon from distributing drugs that allow terminally ill patients to end their lives.
The USAG, a well known Jesus freak that holds pray meeting in his office everyday that all staff are "invited" (invited as in either get into that office and get down on your knees and pray to Jesus or find a new job invited) to attend, intensely dislikes any laws which conflict with his ultra conservative religious beliefs. Thus little things like the 10th Amendment are ignored in order to make sure that this is a "God Fearing Country" and that we follow "God's Law". Trouble is, John Ashcroft's god is a big fucking loser that seems to enjoy making people miserable. In fact, one could easily argue that John's Personal Savior acts more like Satan then Satan. Certainly, John has a 1st Amendment right to believe in whatever he wants, but his god isn't any sort of thing that I either respect or admire.
So fuck him and his evil, fire and brimstone deity. I ain't afraid of his god and I ain't afraid of John Ashcroft... although I probably should be as Ashcroft is one scary motherfucker with way TOO MUCH power and one evil interpretation of the bible. Fortunately, I have more angst then sense these days and don't mind letting Ashcroft know what a total jackass and horrible USAG he is. I think if John could put all non-believers in prison, he would. Or burn them at the stake. He would have made one hell of a member of the Spanish Inquisition. He would have also made one hell of a village idiot.
See, John, if someone wishes to die, that is his or her decision, not yours. You and your god might not like it, but just too damn bad.
And if Jesus does exist, John, I'm pretty sure he isn't all the thrilled with you concerning a number of actions you taken in his name. Face it, Jesus was the original hippy freak. When the last time you hugged a peace loving, hippy freak, flower child, John? Thought so. And Jesus wouldn't want people to suffer unnecessarily, John, because no peace loving, hippy freak, flower child likes to see people suffer. But your hating heart just doesn't see it that way and I have some bad news for you. When it comes time for you to face that Big Accountant in the Sky for your final audit, you've got an awful lot of ticks in the debit column, John Boy.
But you know John, there is still time to save yourself. You don't have to be a puckered up asshole for the rest of your life, bent on inflicting your ridiculous beliefs on every Tom, Dick and Susan you can. Take off the suit and tie, find a good tie-dyed t-shirt, some holey Levis, some good drugs (I suggest a cocktail composed of Percocet, Liquor and Trucker Speed - write me for a good recipe), some Rock and Roll CD's and watch 200 hours of Internet porn with some cute peace loving hippy chick. Then, after you've melted your brain and cleansed your soul, you can now start being a good USAG and do things like ending the Evil War of Drugs and stopping your vicious assault on the Constitution and our civil liberties. You can also try and get other states to follow Oregon's lead and help those in mortal pain find a way to die with dignity. And you know you should do it, John, because that is what Jesus would do.
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