April 3, 2000 will go down in history as the darkest day
EVER for free-market ethics and values. The Department of
Justice has wrapped its clammy claws around the throat of
American business, strangling it to DEATH! Hang your head
in SHAME, Americans, because we have let the secret One
World Government strip away our FREEDOM to INNOVATE!
Yesterday, Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson issued a heinous and unreadable gobbledygook of legalese, the end of a long
and painful court-room lynching of the Microsoft Corporation. Surprising all
clear-thinking citizens, Jackson was apparently suckered in by the pinch-faced,
limp-wristed MARKET WEAKLINGS who have come tattle-taling to the government
about Microsoft's so-called anti-competitive business practices. In a
spectacular slap in the face to American values, Jackson declared Microsoft a
so-called "monopoly" in the operating systems market. (An "operating system" is
the "brain" of a computer. It controls the brightness and contrast of your
"monitor" as well as the "World Wide Web.")
Jackson should have stepped out from behind his smokescreen of legal-schmegal
baloney and just URINATED directly on the American flag. At least that would
have been more honest! This ruling has set Free Enterprise back ten thousand
years, to the days of PRIEST-KINGS in ZIGGURATS who RULED the MASSES with
bloodthirsty HUMAN SACRIFICE and HEATHEN IDOLS made of MUD and STRAW!
Everybody knows that the Sherman Anti-Trust Act is the last refuge of cowards,
ass-biters and FREE MARKET LOSERS. That these WORMS could come out of the
WOODWORK and TURN the POWER of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT against one of most
successful companies in U.S. history is an OUTRAGE. John Galt would shit his
Calvin Kleins over this situation, I am absolutely sure. What can honest people
do when FREE AGENTS in an OPEN MARKET are not able to buy and sell widgets at
whatever cost the market will bear?!
And what the hell does "anti-competitive practices" mean? Could MICROSOFT, the
most ass-kicking, BALLS-OUT corporation
ever to grace the Pacific Northwest, even conceivably be called
"anti-competitive?" Is charging down the court and slam-dunking in your
opponent's FACE anti-competitive, then? Microsoft should not be punished for
their success! Perhaps Judge Jackson wants to put Michael Jordan in JAIL, next?
Because he is so ass-kicking at basketball, he is "anti-competitive!" That is
how socialists think.
Someday the grandchildren of Scott McNealy and Jim Barksdale will SPIT on the
GROUND when they hear the name of their venomous and cringing progenitors. The
people of Earth will shake their fists in rage, and burn state attorneys
general in effigy! Mark my words!
What's the next step? Well, Jackson has not issued his remedies for the
"monopoly," yet, but SOURCES have speculated on the following possible outcomes
of the case:
In a process called "design from the bench," all software from now on
will be required to go through an 8-to-10-year legal review by cretinous, venal
bureacrats and corrupt politically-appointed judges. This includes shell
scripts and Excel macros. Freedom-fighters found with unauthorized software
will be shot and killed, in accordance with the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
Software developers will be subjected to FORCED SURGERY in order to install
a titanium GOVERNING DEVICE on the visual-spacial regions of their brains.
The collected works of Ayn Rand will be cast into the sea.
United States will be converted to a centrally-controlled economy. Everyone
will have to wear gray sackcloth clothing and head-kerchiefs. People will have
to wait in line for 2 days to get 100 grams of wormy bread. Selected proles
will be forced to wear leg irons.
Discussions of "market value" and
"free economy" will be banned. Anyone trying to buy or sell widgets will be
terminated with extreme prejudice on sight.
All U.S. citizens will be
required to wear a bar-code tattoo that InterPol hoverbots can use to identify
Satan will rise from Hell with his army of demons and cast all
unbelievers into the Lake of Fire.
Perhaps you think that this outcome would be GOOD, and you'd like to have your
rights be trompled by the lowest sludge of humanity. Well, bully for you. But I
humbly suggest that ALL RIGHT-THINKING AMERICANS arm themselves immediately,
and join Microsoft's Freedom to Innovate Network. Only YOU can protect our free
market rights! Go check it out today!
[NOTE: this article is the opinion of the author and does not reflect those
of the other editors of Pigdog Journal.]