Quit Washing NOW!!

by Siduri

2002-05-03 00:18:07

Coincidence? ...Or Enemy Action?

This is an urgent Pigdog advisory to all loyal viewers. Please quit bathing, now. Thank you.

For serious real, scientists in North Carolina have determined that showering is hazardous to your health, due to the chlorine that the gubmint insists on putting in your bathwater. It seems that simple skin contact with chlorinated water is enough to produce some, er, trihalomethanes or shit like that, but the point is it'll give you cancer.

This explains why toothless Appalachian hillbillies live to be a hundred and three, while their gone-wrong city-dwelling offspring in Raleigh are dead of colon cancer by age sixty-eight. It's the tribblethalomines is what it is.

Worse yet, it's been proven that the tristomethagorenes can cause miscarriages. Isn't it obvious what's going on here, folks?! The Feds are using the damn chemicals to conduct a mass experiment in genetic engineering! In places where people bathe a lot, like cities and stuff, the population is being carefully controlled through the use of chlorinated bathwater. Less densely populated areas don't need as much involuntary birth control.

Anyway, whether or not these tryinhalingmethanes have been deliberately inserted into our water supply or not, it's clear that as Bad People of the Future we've now been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Our forces could gain a clear numerical advantage over the enemy by exploiting this information over the long term. Within a couple of decades, we could begin reversing our odds against the Good People of the Present.

Quit showering and BREED, Pigdoggers!

As a precautionary measure, it's also probably best to quit drinking tap water, too. Who knows what kind of tripthelightfantasticorithenes the city water has been laced with. While you're at it, you'll probably want to finish that old bunker of yours, seeing as it can't be too long until the Federales develop an airborne strain. Just stay in the basement and boink your brains out. It's the only safe course of action.

Check it out yourself

iambic@pigdog.org