Build Date: Wed Sep 9 12:42:54 2026 UTC
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
A Bright Future for Narcissistic Cannibals
2005-11-13 19:08:55
Researchers in the Netherlands are working on making vat-grown meat cheap and plentiful. Their dream is to put a meat-maker in every home, allowing people to grow their own meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Currently their research is focused on growing pork, but what about the possibility of growing and eating the other white meat, your own flesh?
Every first-year biology student is familiar with the stories of researchers keeping animal tissue alive and growing in test tubes, but until now growing meat this way was slow and costly. The Dutch Senter/Novem Institute has allotted a two million euro subsidy for a project to cultivate pork meat out of pig stem cells, hoping that with research and experimentation that the process will become cheap enough for people to grow their own meat.
But if you can grow pig cells or have a never-ending supply of chicken wing, why not grow your own flesh and eat that? There's no chance of getting a disease from your own meat, since by definition anything you eat is already in you. For the same reason kuru, the disease of cannibals, is no longer a problem.
But what part of your flesh can you grow? If you grow straight muscle tissue it's likely to be dry and tasteless -- you need to grow some fat too, and make sure that the mass is properly marbled for best flavor. What part of your body you get the starter cells from is up to you.
If you like liver and onions -- and who doesn't? -- a quick trip to the doctor, a small biopsy later and you're in business with a never-ending supply of liver. Add in some fava beans and a nice chianti... dinner is served.
T O P S T O R I E S
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America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
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The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
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From the mixed up files of citizen 566-77-0776 (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
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NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
