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Jeb Bush's Family of Scandal
2002-01-31 17:58:34

Bush Family Hijinx
There is a very good chance now that the most powerful nation in the world is about to become an irrational killing machine, and I don't think it will know how to stop once it gets started.
-- Tjames Madison


All three of Florida Governor Jeb Bush's children, Noelle, Jeb Junior, and George P. Bush, have appeared in Florida police reports.

We all know about Noelle Bush, who called a Tallahassee Walgreen's Tuesday pretending to be doctor "Noelle SCIDMORE." The 24-year-old was eventually led off in handcuffs for attempting to illegally purchase a controlled substance.

But if you prefer sex scandals instead of drug scandals, you'll be rooting for her brother Jeb Bush Jr. A little over a year ago two security officers at the Tallahassee Mall found him parked in a blue Jeep Cherokee with an underaged female. Both Jeb and the teenaged girl were naked from the waist down -- and according to the police report, the two were apparently caught in the act of making sweet monkey love.

A historical footnote. The sexual position Jeb had chosen for his illicit love-making session was "The Black Bee." A kama sutra web site offers this vivid description of the female-dominant position.

"Offering her your belly like the wolf, you surrender. She mounts you, she is going to tame you. No use trying to resist. Her arrogant breasts, her flat belly, her strong and muscled thighs, her greedy mouth are so many weapons...."

The site also offers a helpful animated Gif

Sexual frustration appears to be a factor in another police report filed on the brother of Noelle and Jeb Junior. George P. Bush broke into the bedroom window of a former girlfriend, and though he eventually fled the scene, he later returned to drive his Ford Explorer across the family's lawn.

If you want to get all serious about the recent arrest of Noelle, you can make a political issue out of the way daddy Jeb Bush let Florida cut funding for drug treatment programs for prisoners and probationers. You can accuse mother Columba Bush of knee-jerk hypocrisy for lecturing the press -- less than three months ago -- that it is the duty of parents and adults to teach youths to avoid drugs. And most of all, you can criticize the Florida governor for advocating simplistic solutions to complex issues. I mean, at a recent photo-op the governor was heard gloating while boats seized in a cocaine shipment were sunk. "Is there going to be an explosion? Címon, how about a big one...? Whoooa...! You see the fire come out of that stack...? Thatís cool!"

But why not enjoy it for what it is? The Bush family scandals give comfort to every Pigdog-loving proponent of sex, drugs, and malicious acts of petty violence. On the one hand they're just the embarrassing antics of out-of-control rich kids. But on the other hand they give the lie to conservatives' self-annointed moral superiority. Pigdog Journal has already initiated ongoing coverage for the drunken antics of cousins Jenna and Barbara.

And now the American electorate can play along at home. Bring up the family photo from daddy Jeb Bush's official web site, and then try to tick off the crime spree each Bush offspring is accused of committing. Don't forget -- Noelle has also gotten seven speeding tickets, committed five other traffic violations, and been involved in three car accidents, according to the Orlando Sentinel. Oh, and Aunt Laura killed a 17-year-old when she ran a stop sign.

Maybe in 2004, we can elect Caligula.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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