Build Date: Tue Apr 16 20:40:13 2024 UTC

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
-- HST

Miles Standish

Pigdog Journal Articles


Andre the Giant Has A Posse Comitatus
Donald Rumsfield has stated that the creation of a military command whose sole mission is to defend American territory will not erode legal limits on using federal troops inside U.S. Borders. Please note that the federal government has an exciting way of using the word "not." Some fun examples: Income tax will be a temporary 2% tax and will *not* remain after it is needed, Social Security Numbers will *not* be used to uniquely identify and track U.S. Citizens, the recently created and disbanded military Department of Lying to the Press will *not* be used to lie to the press, and Census information is confidential and will *not* be handed over to law enforcement agencies for pursuing individuals. Not. I love that word.


Click Here To Purchase More Votes At Passport.Com!
Two terms I've seen recently that have caught my attention: "E-government" and "Identity Theft." It looks like Mark Forman has recently declared that they're considering using Microsoft Passport technology to identify citizens. Why do I find this less than comforting?


He Is Smart And You Suck
Gianni Golfera has been captured by Italian scientists and is being studied so that the secret to his genetic mind superpowers can be harnessed. Okay, except for the part about capturing.


Internet News Sources Are Poisonous Candy
In 1969, the Department of Defense, combined with various educational institutions and Al Gore, who was going by his full name "ARPA" at the time, invented the World Wide Web as a way for Bad People of the Future to scream about beer without risk of Communists stealing their thoughts. Then corporate fu><0rs started invoking weird laws like the DMCA, some kind of copyright thing, and anti-defamation laws to shut it all down, First Amendment Bedamned. And it's been working, until Chilling Effects rolled into town.


Bizarro Olympic Hijiacking Arrest
The important bit isn't that this guy performed an act of extreme hijacking, by going to the bathroom 5 minutes later than the federal law allows. The important bit isn't that he faces up to 20 years in prison. The important thing is that he's BIZARRO!


Harlem Globetrotters Threatened to Sue Me! Go Team!
In case the bludgeoning overflow of advertisement hasn't tipped you off, the Harlem Globetrotters are on tour right now. THE UNFORGETTABLE TOUR, which is like THE INVISIBLE MAN or THE PURLOINED LETTER, except that it isn't 19th century genre fiction. But did you know about the special connection between Pigdog and the Harlem Globetrotters?


I Am Not Suggesting Katherine Graham Was Assassinated
Maybe it's from playing Civ for too long, or maybe it's because I'm afraid of ghosts, but I believe that a reverence for the dead is the first cornerstone of a society. So, I must first say that Katherine Graham was ten times the person and ten thousand times the journalist that I am, and that the world is worse for her recent loss. Now, onto the troublemaking.


Great News for Fag-bashers!
Boy, Congress thinks of everything! They added this great section to the recent big-socks education reform bill that protects against discrimination. Specifically, they protect fagbashers from discrimination! Yay! This way, you can have your own anti-homosexual group and be guaranteed your rights!


Bush Threatens Press!
The first impression I got of George W. Bush was that his campaign had tried to reserve every single domain name that might sound like a criticism of him. "" and whatnot all pointed to his campaign stuff. "Here," said I, "is a man who will eventually become outraged at the press and do something scary like that Comidus guy in Gladiator." Only Gladiator wasn't out yet, I think.


My Pseudojournalism Is Yellow!
A few days ago I urged you all to go hunt this ape-monster. What have I wrought?


Ape Monster Ravages New Delhi
Cryptozoology gone haywire? Human-chimp interbreeding project gone haywire? Pigdog crew in monkey masks gone a bit too gonzo gone haywire? Ayleens gone haywire? You decide. Well, you don't actually decide, I mean, what you pick won't change anything.


Bush Wins By Incredible Landslide
So, you've probably seen in the conventional news that the Presidential election is incredibly, painfully close, with one state's electoral votes making the whole difference for the free world. You probably bought a newspaper to get more information, and you're probably watching news shows more, and buying their sponsor's products. That's because you're a total sucker.


President Himself Uses Shitty Password
Okay, so my first thought about this is that I'm worried that some asshole is going to swipe the President's password and start forging e-signatures on e-bills. I mean, your dog's name? Dumbass. My next concern is that the evil robot AIs use these signatures to take over....


Looking for Cardamom Ginger? Don't look here!
I am devoted to thwarting any attempts to find out anything about Elettaria Cardamomum. Pokey the Penguin, on the other hand, is just a weird cartoon.


All Stocks ON SALE!
Hey folks, have a stock you've been looking for? Want to get in on the stock market, but don't think you've got what it takes? Well, if you're thinking of getting in on stocks, get in now, because you won't want to miss this limited opportunity for BARGAIN BASEMENT PRICES on all stocks - including coveted HIGH-TECH STOCKS!


Americans ban use of the term 'menage a trois'
So, if you knew your language was becoming obsolete, what would you do? If you're the French government, you'd rage, rage against the dying of the light. Also, if you're the French government, can I borrow a few thousand bucks? American currency only. Thanks.


The Fast Food Chain is Actually a French Fry Dish
Normally, when a Pigdog Article contains a factual error, the author is beaten savagely and dropped in a vat of rabid sqrats and no one mentions their name again. So I'm posting a retraction in hopes of living. A Canadian from Canadia told me the truth about Poutine, and he may have just saved my life.


I shouldn't even need to tell you this
You lazy no-good cheese-ass piece of shit motherfucker. Did you even fucking register? I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you.


Canadian Prime Minister is a Fast Food Chain
Okay, I'm lying. But George W. Bush did embarass himself by falling into the satire-trap of a Canadian satirist.


Having Trouble Deciding a Meal? Some Suggestions
Looking for a hearty meal anyone would love? Why not ask the people who would know best? Here's a list of menus from people who had one final chance to pick the best dish ever.


One Day Greenwich Times Is Bastardly Queer
Gene Ray, Cubic, explains it all for you! You see, since there's four midpoints to the day (mid-day, mid-night, sun-up, and sun-down), there are actually four days happening at once. That's right, a simultaneous 4-day time cube! Obviously, this means that god is an evil invention, education induces stupidity, and self-god is lowest human behavior.


All Good People Are Asleep And Dreaming
Firecracker-related fatalities are on the rise in China. People want to blow things up to celebrate the Lunar New Year, and don't give a rat's ass about the fact that it's illegal. The result: Dangerous, illegal fireworks in every home! It's Fatalitastic! What a ride! What a trip!


Tobacco Industry Sues Other Tobacco Industry
I think no one would have bothered having a Civil War if they knew that a hundred and fifty years ago, the main cash crop of the South would be massive civil liability. Actually, I'm just babbling.


Duck and Cover!
Scientists report a HUGE and DESTRUCTIVE BLACK HOLE only 1600 LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH. Okay, you all know what to do in case this black hole comes SCREAMING directly toward your home and family, right?


Real Aliens Found And They're In Space!
The American Astronomical Society, which I've never heard of but it sounds like an impressive name, reported HUGE MONSTER ALIENS located on other stars. Well, um, that is, the Infrared Space Observatory showed that it's pretty easy for organic molecules to form around other stars.


Doom Interface
Okay, I think maybe someone is trying a little too hard with this one, but it's still a cool concept. Someone has implemented a thing for managing process load using Doom. No, really.


Tibetan Karmapa Defects!
So, this kid is 14 years old and he's like trekking across mountain wasteland, all wounded and fucked up, sneaking past Chinese troops. Maybe he almost fell into a deadly trap with a femme fatale with a heart of poison. I don't know. The point is, he's way cooler and more revolutionary than the Beastie Boys.


Okay, the world actually DID end
Doesn't it seem spooky that there weren't any millenium cults? I mean, all kinds of crazy people are in the world and still, none of them seemed to do anything apocalyptic. And what about like Europe and Africa where they didn't care about the whole Y2K bug fix thing and left it be. There's all these reassuring news articles that Y2K didn't do much. Why is that? Well, actually, we just didn't want you to flip out.


Learn how to SUE THE FUCK out of ANYONE
Imagine, if you will, that your computer is an extension of yourself, and that, therefore, any information you can access by computer is, in some way, information that's already yours. This means that, now that is out, you know law. Which makes you a lawyer. Well, FUCK YOU, LAWYER.


Legal Loophole Means Legal Hallucinogens
Salvia Divinorum is something I read about in Details magazine, because the cover had some sort of cheesecake picture on it, then something like "Legal Drugs," and I'm a young male wannabe. Anyway, that's what it is. It's apparently like psilocybin mushrooms, but only lasts a short while, and then you just feel sort of stoned.


Internation Lyrics Server still kinda sucks
If you care about these things, you already know about and what happened to it. If you don't care about these things, why are you reading this?


Protesters Win; Tjames Wrong
If there's one thing Seattle loves, it's when the whole family gets together and protests the WTO. The mayor has spoken in favor of the protests, albeit prompted by a negative-press bitchslap. The police are now escorting and assisting the rioters. People are now protesting mostly to free the protesters. Has the protest been assimilated back into the normal world? Also, Tjames is wrong.


No More Knees!
The only things I like are paranoid sex and childish greed, so no one loves free trade more than I do. Nonetheless, I think I'm standing on the side of the Communist weirdos on this: the WTO is bad. The protests against them are good.


Fuck the Issues! Let's Tear Shit Up!
Okay, so the protesters include a set of stupid people. The fact is, they've caused serious problems for the WTO with their merry ragamuffin ways, and I say that puts them on the Environmentalist Santa's Nice list. Even the Commies.


Japanese Fear Science
These days, we don't have torch-wielding mobs storm the laboratory. We just let our government make a ruling, subtly hinting that failing to comply will result in the same angry mob. By "we", of course, I mean "Japan". So when this scientist, Setsuo Iwasaki, wants to do an experiment on cell division to research leukemia. But the government says, "Holy shit! This vaguely resembles human cloning!"


Chinese Better At Revolutionary Meditating Than We Are
The whole Falun Gong story just really inspires me. I mean it. Here's this religion, that stresses like slow exercise and meditation, and the government is TOTALLY CRACKING DOWN ON IT. I mean, it's like these Falun Gong people do these exercises, and it's SO EFFECTIVE at making people happy and healthy that the OPPRESSIVE CHINESE GOVERNMENT has to ban it to keep people from being healthy enough to shrug off their regime.


Enter the Seedy World of Rocket Belt Ownership
As any maiden-kidnapping, wax-moustache-twiddling blackguard will tell you, the secret to success is removing the powers of those who would be your undoing. Especially when Rocket Boy is involved.


Overconfident pre-Woodstock 99 Cop Ramblings
This is just the coolest thing. The head of security for Woodstock 99 is bragging about how well he'll run things for security, and how cool the fascist security will be.


Woodstock Ends In Rioting the Way Webzine99 Should Have
Woo hoo! I wasn't there, of course, but people were very angry and revolutionary in a good way at Woodstock, it seems. It was not a Catholic high school production of Hair.


Horrible Misogynistic Porn Poem
Check out this porn poem! It's real gross! You'll go "Ewww!" And it's ONLY ON PIGDOG.

Offsite links shared by the author



I Brake For the d20-Compatible TimeCube RPG Rules!
There are two things important to me in life: The d20 Open Gaming License, and Nature's Harmonious Time Cube.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

T O P   S T O R I E S

Pure and simple as a hammer to the forebrain

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G