Ouch: November 19 - later

Half a banana

3:35pm: I'm eating a banana. Ken just showed me the trailer for the new Star Wars prequel (Phantom Menace) and it filled me with a little hope, and suddenly I was hungry. Not kidding, here. If I keep it down it'll be the first food I've had since Monday night, when I was comforted by denial.

I'll report later on whether the banana stays with me. Stay tuned!

3:39pm: Who knew bananas were so big? Half a banana plenty.

3:50pm: Other half of banana turning brown. Stomach has shrunken. Risk it?

3:56pm: Banana still there. I've finally finished reading my mail and writing in my journal, although I'm technically still doing the latter. The problem with chronicling your life as it happens is that it keeps happening as you write about it.

I do want to say thanks to everyone who has written me. 52 messages in three days, all from strangers. Almost all say "I'm sure you don't want to hear this again, but hang in there." Well, I like hearing it.

Please don't demonize her if you're going to write me, though. She gave me so much, and if she decides to stop giving it to me, I really can just be thankful that I ever had it. I am angry, but I understand her, and I love her. Loving someone means understanding they make mistakes.

4:16pm: Banana sitting heavy in me. Must throw rest away before stench makes me ralph.

4:38pm: Sick. Earlier optimism fading. Now I feel lonely and small and scared. I just want to go home to her, but if she's still there she's packing, and if she's not she's already with him, in their love-nest. Still haven't paid the bills for Omni. For the last two days it's been the only thing on my plate, but I haven't been able to do it.

I got a business call a couple of minutes ago, about some flier for one of our products. I thought I was coming off as a normal human, when the guy (whom I've never heard from before) suddenly says, "Are you OK? You sound sick." I told him I'd had a family tragedy and hadn't eated in three days. He was awfully sorry he brought it up.

Oh, I have a haircut and beard trim at 5. I always look handsomer after a haircut and beard trim. Tomorrow when she says goodbye to me for the last time, I'll look my best.

6:15pm: Haircut always takes an hour. I tip the stylist extra so she'll spend 15 minutes massaging my head during the shampoo. Figured I needed that. Told her Kim left me, she kept asking questions until she realised I wasn't answering and shut up. Just sat there with my eyes clothes and thought about being left. The other thing I kept thinking was that Kim is so tired, I hope she finishes packing soon so she can get some rest. Even if it is with him.

6:32pm: Total panic attack. This is the state I get into before I call her. Can't call her now. She is gone.

7:13pm: Her friend Kate was just here. Kate is an ex-fling of his, from during his first engagement. Kate apparently had a long talk with him several nights ago, and believes he's going to sincerely try with my ex. I'm trying to be a nice guy. I want her to be happy. So I should feel good that he's not going to be a heel. Not crushed.

I don't think I'll keep the box of stuff we had together. Into the fire with the ducks.

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