Ouch: November 17 - later

Worse and worse

I just got off the phone with her. She was tired, and not guarding her words. I started ragging on him and her decision, more than I wanted to. Finally she said, "I won't tell you how wonderful I feel with him, and I won't tell you how wonderful every moment with him is."

Well, thanks for not telling me, but I guess I can figure it out. Of course, I started crying. This was the worst. Well, the worst since she first told me. It finally became clear to me what it means that she loves him more.

He is more wonderful than me. I'm the less wonderful.

I got sick, and had to get off the phone. She was crying, and kept worrying about me killing myself. Frankly, I'm a little sick of it. It just seems selfish. Yes, I'll stay alive so you can enjoy your new boyfriend. Now screw off.

She's not coming back. That's what I finally realised. She's happier with him. She's not coming back. She's really gone.

I hadn't cried in hours, and was starting to feel less sick. I was starting to even think about work. Then, this. I guess it was the denial there, working for me, protecting me from the full brunt of the pain. It's bad, all right. I had wondered why it wasn't as bad today, and it was good old Mr. Denial working for me. But now he's gone.

There are like five stages to grieving, right? Shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance. Shock, well, I'm still in shock. Denial, I've had. Hopefully it won't come back, because I really don't want the reprieves. I'd rather the constant misery than the feeling like things might get better and then WACK back down to the lowest level again. It's just cruel.

Anger? We've seen some of this. Not that he doesn't deserve my anger, because he is a dog. Grief? Yup.

So I guess I'm doing everything out of order. Except acceptance, that always will come last. The doctor says three weeks. Three weeks until which stage? The grief? The acceptance?

The crappy thing is even after the acceptance (she's gone, there's nothing I can do, move along), I'm still alone. Without my best friend, without my lover.

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