The Compulsive Splicer’s
12 Things I learned at Burning Man.

1. A good catsitter on short notice is a blessing from Heaven.

2. Use the port-a-potties early in the day.

3. There is pizza in the desert.

4. Pigdog people on ’shrooms are happy and loving, even if I frighten them.

5. Pigdog people on speed are scary, cranky & mean, but get better after some sleep.

6. Having my nipples painted green feels great.

7. In the desert, “Horse With No Name” references get old fast.

8. Naked women are good for the soul.

9. Don’t let the mud dry on your pubic hair.

10. If someone asks what the damn camera is for, say “Hafta send pictures to Mom,” not “I’m a journalist.”

11. Bianca’s Smut Shack has the best couches.

12. Pants are overrated; Hats are not.

Happy Fun Splicer
Tjames smoking at a Texaco station: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS

Tjames Madison’s Somewhat Derivative
15 Things I learned at Burning Man.

1. Girlfriends who let you go to Burning Man rule.

2. Don’t use the port-a-potties — there’s a whole damn desert next door.

3. There is pizza in the desert, but it has evil mushrooms on it.

4. Splicer is not Jewish.

5. Binky obfuscates.

6. Gerlach has five bars, no stores and no churches.

7. Dawdling in front of the Vegematic is not advisable.

8. If your wheel falls off your trailer, make sure you brought extra lug nuts.

9. Do not taunt the Map Committee.

10. Piss Clear rules.

11. Next year: RV. Screw the purists.

12. Do not give cham-pon-ya to Snatcher when he’s wandering around in the desert.

13. Waving burning toilet around like a madman is not cool.

14. If you pass a bush and think, “Hey, free baby rattle”, don’t pick it up.

15. I can’t dance, but I can damn well try.