Okay, the world actually DID end
2000-01-07 17:30:07
Doesn't it seem spooky that there weren't any millenium cults? I mean, all kinds of crazy people are in the world and still, none of them seemed to do anything apocalyptic. And what about like Europe and Africa where they didn't care about the whole Y2K bug fix thing and left it be. There's all these reassuring news articles that Y2K didn't do much. Why is that? Well, actually, we just didn't want you to flip out.
So, we were really busy dealing with the dinosaurs, flaming angels, survivalists, disease-resistant bacteria, killer bees, kudzu, swamp rats, Kung Fu monks, ebola, economic crashes, Luddites, nuclear meltdowns, failed utilities, returning Messiahs, heroin mutants, seven-winged kings, Four Horsemen, Ragnarok wave horse bushes, stapling accidents, and sqrat attacks that we realy didn't want to also deal with you flipping out.
We know how you, more than the rest of the people we know, are really touchy and sensitive about this stuff, and we just put up some happy articles on your local computer (since the Internet was eaten by four-dimension telepathic cockroaches) that would make it seem like everything is fine.
Honestly, we decided it would be better to break it to you once we're through this crisis.
We did it because we love you.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Naked Australian Redhead -- Missing!
She posed naked on the web, fought for pornography online, and even kept an online "Diary of a Virtual Girlfriend." But after earning a place in internet history, Bernadette Taylor vanished without a trace. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)