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Lee Roy: So Beautifully Can Be No Man However

by Tjames Madison

1999-08-05 00:56:16

I love this page. Comically speaking, it's so drop-dead perfect in its recasting of the old "German guy who speaks very little English translating stuff from German to English" theme that, at first read, it looks like one of the best EuroDuh parodies you've ever encountered. Well, it's NOT. It's REAL.

It's this magazine called Zitti, and this is their online version, helpfully translated into stultifyingly obtuse pidgin English. And though there's lots of good stuff to look at in Zitti ("Authentic Adventures: Ecstasy Maggot in Berlin!" and "Fucking Airport: Moist Dreams After Stewardessenart"), it's the interview with "Leroy: So Beautiful, No Man Look Like Him" that really stands out when you need a good fix in the gut-whompin' category.

Look at this: some horrible looking bald guy in a bathtub with a demented, decidedly unappetizing expression on his Teutonic phiz, and they're all making like this is the Deutsch Johnny Wadd or somesuch. "I only sit in the bathtub, drink champagnes and leave me with it the feet pedicures," says glamorous porn star "Lee Roy"; "to the one, there is only fully in the most Schwulenproduktionen unglamouröse 250 marks per staged Fick," boasts helpful, swooning Zitti mag. That Lee Roy is so dreamy!

It makes no sense. Or it makes utter nonsense. In either case, this is possibly the most perfect interview in the whole history of people interviewing other people. "In 'techno Dream,' 'swollen leather shorts' and 'Authentic Adventures' mimes the always-horny he/it, dominanten Rammelbock, that unmerciful all rannimmt, what doesn't come sufficiently quickly on the trees," the interviewer states boldly, followed by a classic Lee Roy riposte: "That is approximately so, as you would stand in the middle of the department store, and the people perform her/its/their purchases, while you do your matters there."

Still, Lee Roy is realistic about his life in German porno hell: "Sexuality has simply received another status with me, she/it has strictly speaking even lost status, because I have enjoyed life so many matters. Just like recently approximately, as he/it played along at a Cologne production-company with a pee porno." Ah yes, the pee porno story! "The more the trick drifts off into represented emotions over the sexual history however, the throws you that more from your emotional balance."

I think I sort of understand where he's coming from. While you're reading all about boy Lee Roy, be sure to check out Sexual Night Fever, Zitti's thrilling encapsulation of an orgy at a sex club replete with tales of "lacquer-pants" and a "hairy perseverance back."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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