Build Date: Sat Sep 14 04:40:05 2024 UTC
Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
-- Spock
Lee Roy: So Beautifully Can Be No Man However
1999-08-05 00:56:16
I love this page. Comically speaking, it's so drop-dead perfect in its recasting of the old "German guy who speaks very little English translating stuff from German to English" theme that, at first read, it looks like one of the best EuroDuh parodies you've ever encountered. Well, it's NOT. It's REAL.
It's this magazine called Zitti, and this is their online version, helpfully translated into stultifyingly obtuse pidgin English. And though there's lots of good stuff to look at in Zitti ("Authentic Adventures: Ecstasy Maggot in Berlin!" and "Fucking Airport: Moist Dreams After Stewardessenart"), it's the interview with "Leroy: So Beautiful, No Man Look Like Him" that really stands out when you need a good fix in the gut-whompin' category.
Look at this: some horrible looking bald guy in a bathtub with a demented, decidedly unappetizing expression on his Teutonic phiz, and they're all making like this is the Deutsch Johnny Wadd or somesuch. "I only sit in the bathtub, drink champagnes and leave me with it the feet pedicures," says glamorous porn star "Lee Roy"; "to the one, there is only fully in the most Schwulenproduktionen unglamouröse 250 marks per staged Fick," boasts helpful, swooning Zitti mag. That Lee Roy is so dreamy!
It makes no sense. Or it makes utter nonsense. In either case, this is possibly the most perfect interview in the whole history of people interviewing other people. "In 'techno Dream,' 'swollen leather shorts' and 'Authentic Adventures' mimes the always-horny he/it, dominanten Rammelbock, that unmerciful all rannimmt, what doesn't come sufficiently quickly on the trees," the interviewer states boldly, followed by a classic Lee Roy riposte: "That is approximately so, as you would stand in the middle of the department store, and the people perform her/its/their purchases, while you do your matters there."
Still, Lee Roy is realistic about his life in German porno hell: "Sexuality has simply received another status with me, she/it has strictly speaking even lost status, because I have enjoyed life so many matters. Just like recently approximately, as he/it played along at a Cologne production-company with a pee porno." Ah yes, the pee porno story! "The more the trick drifts off into represented emotions over the sexual history however, the throws you that more from your emotional balance."
I think I sort of understand where he's coming from. While you're reading all about boy Lee Roy, be sure to check out Sexual Night Fever, Zitti's thrilling encapsulation of an orgy at a sex club replete with tales of "lacquer-pants" and a "hairy perseverance back."
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
You need to make a fruity tropical drink and you have no recipe? Here's a mix recently tested by Pigdog's crack bevertology team that's made with ingredients available from most any grocery store. It tastes sweet, fruity, and is perfect for guzzling on the last hot days of summer. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Pigdog Journal's crack interview team gangs up on avant-garde Dutch musician SOLEX; bad craziness ensues. Yet another fabulous PIGDOG INTERVIEW. For REAL. (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
