You know how when you're at an exceptionally freaktastic party out in the middle of nowhere. You're having a really great time. You're shouting, you're laughing, you're rocking. Then some Smut Weasel starts to mook off your vibe. He slips his arm over your shoulder and begins to rub. And even though your friend, his Significant Other, has introduced you eleventy-million times he says, "Hello, I don't believe we've met. My name is Smut Weasel. Wanna get freaky?"

You say, "We have met eleventy-MILLION times. My name is Miss CONduct." Smut Weasel offers up some lame excuse about candy flipping the last time you met, so he forgot. But his point is, he can't help noticing that you're lookin' a little like a bottomless pit of despair. And he is here to fill your pit.

You say, "I am not interested in sex things with you." To which he replies, "We don't have to have sex. I can just rub tingly lotion on your feet." You humbly decline, "Thank you, no. Now please stop rubbing my sunburn." "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know!" he spurts in self defense. You mutter "Exactly!"

What is it about polyamory that makes people so myopic? It's like, they read some book giving them permission to cheat on their Significant Other. And since they are now free to express their inner rogue, YOU naturally want to help them out. Hello, do you SEE me?

So great. He's a polyamorist. He is free to be an outlandish flirt. What about the flirtee? Do we not have feelings and expectations too? Are we not worthy of respect for our personal space?

I'm not saying polyamory is wrong. Live and let, blah blah. Sex and sexuality are good. They make the whirled go round. Many of my friends are in successful polyamorous relationships and I love them dearly (but that don't mean I want their tongue in my mouth). However, isn't there some mode of conduct outlined in the aforementioned book about asking first? For example, "You're lookin' a little low there hot mama. May I offer you a hug?" BEFORE aggressively caressing your sun scorched back.

Further, are you to simply ASSUME that his overtures toward you are acceptable to his S.O.? Isn't there some guideline about you needing to be "approved" by the head of the harem? Or do you just skip back to his tent for a scrump hoping the S.O. doesn't sneak up on you. Sure, that turns me on.

Or, say the deed is done and you're floating in a delicious haze of post coital bliss. Is this when he plans to lay the news on you? "Oh, uh, yeah. I'm sorta doin' this polyamory thang, so don't get too attached, baby. Cause you ain't the only hottie on my mack list."

Worse, the S.O. decides you two need company. Next thing you know, you're squirming in the throws of an uninvited menage a trois. Oh yeah, trapped by triple X action makes me so hot.

It is your right to protect yourself. Run out and get some sexual awareness NOW. Read the book so you can strategically navigate around the sex freaks. Not that one should need a book to tell one how to comport oneself in a civil manner when it comes to physical contact. But words are ALWAYS good. Use your words people. Use your words, cause they're all you have.

It may be just an opinion, but it's mine.

Check it out yourself

punchbowl@pigdog.org