Cowardly Olympic Athletes Dodge Duty On War Front to Play in Snow
2002-02-12 22:12:07

The World of Sport
I encourage you to drink wine and examine your motives for being such an aggressive and angry skeptic.
-- Ratsnatcher


One might think that in time of national war the cream of America's youth, her most hale and hearty corn-fed offspring, would be giving every minute of their day to fight Osamur bin Laden and his demonous Al-Qaedur network wherever they were needed. One would be, in fact, wrong: America's finest are thousands of miles away from the front, playing children's games in the snow for the entertainment of humorless Mormons. How could this have happened? Have the terrorists already won?

While the rest of the nation continues the tireless search for Muslim extremists under every rock and landmine in Afghanistan, certain elements of our society waste valuable time and resources in the frivolous pursuit of ribbons and gewgaws in the well-protected hinterlands of Utah. These so-called "American heroes" make me want to puke up both boxes of Pastaroni I had for dinner. How dare they wear the American flag on their backs -- the same flag that flew over Iwo Jima and Grenada?

These young people have trained for years, using American food and training facilities to build up stamina, speed and raw muscular power -- physical attributes crucial to our determined effort to rid the world of Islamic fundamentalists. I mean, have you seen the thighs on that Apolo Anton Ohno character? He could crush the ribcage of any one of those elite Republican Guards with a single well-placed kick and send them falling backwards gooshing lifesblood out of a 2-foot hole in their chests. Our war effort could use a man like that. But has Mr. Ohno run down to the recruiting office and offered his services to Uncle Sam, like a real patriot would? No! This long-hair hippy's out whooping around on frozen alkali ponds listening to "Linus and Lucy" in skin-tight polyester body condoms.

And what about those biathlete folks? Have these people even THOUGHT about what they're doing? I mean, Afghanistan is a mountainous country with lots of snow up in the mountains, which, being where most caves are, is the favored hiding place of terrorists, MANY OF WHOM are still at large. And, say, WHAT THE HELL do these biathletes think is the job of a soldier in the Afghan mountains? It's to SKI AROUND and occasionally SHOOT THINGS. Which biathletes are apparently GOOD AT. But maybe the task would get done better a little closer to the FRONT, eh? And not TEN THOUSAND MILES AWAY in a land that was cleared of America's enemies almost a hundred years ago! What are these chickens afraid of?

Even the ladies have something to add. I wasn't alive during the Viet Nam Police Action, but I've seen "Apocalypse Now", and I know that back then an American she-woman knew how to keep up the morale of troops in the field. In the '60s and '70s, a woman with strong legs and back did her patriotic duty and became a PLAYMATE and went to the front with the USO. But I guess in the "Me Decade" of the new millenium, women with great bods head out on the skiing slopes to schuss around in puffy unflattering WINTER GEAR. What the hell is up with that, girls? Betty Grable wouldn't wear no parka! Not unless she had no pants on!

It's not just about physical skill, either, folks. I mean, could the clockwork machine of America's curling team be put to better uses than sliding IRON WEIGHTS towards STEAMING SWEDES? Hey guys! Newsflash! The Swedes aren't even MUSLIM, if you haven't heard! Maybe that cohesiveness and shit you're showing on the ice would help kick some TALIBAN ASS. But maybe you don't think about that, because you're OLYMPIC ATHLETES and you owe no duty to your nation. Lah di dah! Look at me! I'm an Olympic Athlete! Barf.

The fact is that to win the war we need every single man, woman and child fighting tooth and nail in the rocky plains around Karachi. If all 280 million American citizens and resident aliens were to go to Afghanistan, and spread out in a line starting at one end of the country and walk REALLY SLOWLY all the way to the other end, there's NO WAY that Mullah Omar or his cronies could escape detection and slip through our search net. But if the STRONGEST and FASTEST of us are out making snow angels and doing Olympic ice fishing, well, who's to say that when we CATCH HIM, he won't be able to push us over and run away laughing as we pound our fists in the dust?

I won't even get into the disgusting waste of materials that these alleged athletes flaunt on NATIONAL TELEVISION. When I was a young man, we saved every scrap of paper, metal, rubber, and nylon for use by our fighting men in Panama. I WEPT with PRIDE the day I went down to the Civil Defense Center and turned in my treasured Tori Welles (TM) pump-activated Love Mouth, knowing that perhaps it would be turned into TANK TREADS that would help bash down the IRON GATES of the Presidential Palace and put a 14mm shell into MANUEL NORIEGA'S HEART. I had to make my own Love Mouth out of tossed-aside cardboard and cabbage leaves, with NO PUMP, and it didn't look ONE BIT like Tori Welles, but I was HAPPY to have it, since I had DONE MY PART for victory.

But these OLYMPIANS gallivant around in icy splendor with the apex of American technology strapped to their FEET, HEADS, and BUTTOCKS. Space-age polymers and alloys, frittered away on infantile activities! Those FANCY OLYMPIC JACKETS sure would keep our boys in Kabul a little warmer at night, wouldn't they? And don't you think we could pack up some of those BOBSLEDS with lots of explosives and dropped from helicopters into the CAVES of TORA BORA? Hmm?

I mean, the list goes on and on. Those luges could be re-purposed into portable much-need battlefield COTS. Anyone who's seen "Castaway" knows that a pair of ICE SKATES makes a handy battlefield tool, say for eating COCONUTS or to CRACK THE SKULL of a Taliban minister of irrigation or something. And I bet if all those skis and stuff were melted down into one great big steaming-hot plastic hell ball, and we put it on a big catapult and launched it at Baghdad, it'd REALLY HURT and leave bad burns on everyone. Dear God, when we hamstring ourselves like this, no WONDER Osama is still at large!

It can only give comfort to the Axis of Evil to know that when the chips are down, the most muscle-bound of US youth will fritter away their time in winter hijinks rather than put it all on the line for the Red, White, and Blue. Saddam Hussein, Kim Il-Jong, and Ayatollah Khatami will all sleep well tonight. Not in the same bed or anything, but, like, in their own countries. They don't have to worry about Tod Eldredge coming in to stab them in the groin with a bayonet and take them prisoner for firm American justice. No, because HE'S off twirling around in circles like a sissy-man. God help us all!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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