Last night I was at Denny's in Emeryville, and security guards wearing big uniforms, leather gloves, batons, and sidearms (45's maybe) seated us!! They weren't just standing around like normal security guards, they were the hosts.
Those crazy physicists have re-weighed the Earth and found
it missing a few pounds -- 6,000,000,000,000,000 metric TONS
to be exact!!! And I don't know about you, but
that seems like a FUCK OF A LOT OF WEIGHT TO ME.
Fuckin' A, I'm happy to just lose 5 pounds, and the Earth lost the equivalent of
the several large mountain ranges and the top 20,000 feet of Canadia. (Sadly,
Canadia is still there.) But that's not the scary thing, see? Cause the Earth is
supposed to look like an oversized blue and white beach ball and not some svelte
super model with big hooters. That's the way I like the Earth, big, fat and
ROUND (tho' don't get me wrong -- Pigdog is still for super models with big
hooters). And we aren't looking for it to change. Especially with the global
population skyrocketing -- what we don't need is for the planet to get smaller.
Face it, the smaller the Earth is, the closer I am to you -- and that suxs.
So where did those missing pounds go? Scientists are still confused. They are
talking about the G thing -- you know, one of the fundamental constants of the
universe that doesn't change -- and they are changing it. Well, I'm not buying
Quite frankly, the most logical explanation to me is Ay-leens are stealing our
planet bit by bit, turning mountains into valleys. I'm not sure if it is the
Grays or the Greens or some splinter group. And I'm also not sure if it's cause
they hate us so bad and want to make earth so small that we kill each other
just to sleep laying down -- like on that TOS
episode where there are too many people -- or if those Ay-leens are stealing our
planet to enlarge their own and just don't give a rat's ass about us.
Either way it is time to arm ourselves and prepare to fight the "Last Battle of
the Planet Earth." Join us NOW.