Build Date: Thu Dec 18 12:00:14 2025 UTC
Work's a sucker's game. I'm looking into opportunities in the BANK ROBBERY sector of the economy.
-- Mr. Bad
Missing Parts of Planet Earth
2000-05-01 22:17:58
Those crazy physicists have re-weighed the Earth and found it missing a few pounds -- 6,000,000,000,000,000 metric TONS to be exact!!! And I don't know about you, but that seems like a FUCK OF A LOT OF WEIGHT TO ME.
Fuckin' A, I'm happy to just lose 5 pounds, and the Earth lost the equivalent of the several large mountain ranges and the top 20,000 feet of Canadia. (Sadly, Canadia is still there.) But that's not the scary thing, see? Cause the Earth is supposed to look like an oversized blue and white beach ball and not some svelte super model with big hooters. That's the way I like the Earth, big, fat and ROUND (tho' don't get me wrong -- Pigdog is still for super models with big hooters). And we aren't looking for it to change. Especially with the global population skyrocketing -- what we don't need is for the planet to get smaller. Face it, the smaller the Earth is, the closer I am to you -- and that suxs.
So where did those missing pounds go? Scientists are still confused. They are talking about the G thing -- you know, one of the fundamental constants of the universe that doesn't change -- and they are changing it. Well, I'm not buying that.
Quite frankly, the most logical explanation to me is Ay-leens are stealing our planet bit by bit, turning mountains into valleys. I'm not sure if it is the Grays or the Greens or some splinter group. And I'm also not sure if it's cause they hate us so bad and want to make earth so small that we kill each other just to sleep laying down -- like on that TOS episode where there are too many people -- or if those Ay-leens are stealing our planet to enlarge their own and just don't give a rat's ass about us.
Either way it is time to arm ourselves and prepare to fight the "Last Battle of the Planet Earth." Join us NOW.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
