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-- Sean Neakums
Missing Parts of Planet Earth
2000-05-01 22:17:58
Those crazy physicists have re-weighed the Earth and found it missing a few pounds -- 6,000,000,000,000,000 metric TONS to be exact!!! And I don't know about you, but that seems like a FUCK OF A LOT OF WEIGHT TO ME.
Fuckin' A, I'm happy to just lose 5 pounds, and the Earth lost the equivalent of the several large mountain ranges and the top 20,000 feet of Canadia. (Sadly, Canadia is still there.) But that's not the scary thing, see? Cause the Earth is supposed to look like an oversized blue and white beach ball and not some svelte super model with big hooters. That's the way I like the Earth, big, fat and ROUND (tho' don't get me wrong -- Pigdog is still for super models with big hooters). And we aren't looking for it to change. Especially with the global population skyrocketing -- what we don't need is for the planet to get smaller. Face it, the smaller the Earth is, the closer I am to you -- and that suxs.
So where did those missing pounds go? Scientists are still confused. They are talking about the G thing -- you know, one of the fundamental constants of the universe that doesn't change -- and they are changing it. Well, I'm not buying that.
Quite frankly, the most logical explanation to me is Ay-leens are stealing our planet bit by bit, turning mountains into valleys. I'm not sure if it is the Grays or the Greens or some splinter group. And I'm also not sure if it's cause they hate us so bad and want to make earth so small that we kill each other just to sleep laying down -- like on that TOS episode where there are too many people -- or if those Ay-leens are stealing our planet to enlarge their own and just don't give a rat's ass about us.
Either way it is time to arm ourselves and prepare to fight the "Last Battle of the Planet Earth." Join us NOW.
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