Build Date: Mon Jun 17 11:00:10 2024 UTC

Natural Selection, do your stuff.
-- Flesh

Sonic Assault

by Baron Earl

2021-07-22 23:39:32

You're grooving to some groovy tunes on your favorite music streaming service when... bam... you're knocked out of your reverie by the Most Annoying Song in the World. You didn't ask for it, you didn't choose it, and the music streaming service's AI didn't pick it because it's similar to 5 other songs you recently played. The AI chose that specific moment to ruin the mood with the "1-877-Kars4Kids" jingle for one reason only: to get you to pony up for a paid subscription.

[redacted] is a great music service. They have a huge catalog of music, and they offer the familiar streaming service revenue model: You can listen for free and hear an ad now and then, or pay a monthly fee and get a commercial-free stream.

Unfortunately the commercials aren't paying the bills. Only 8% of [redacted]'s revenues come from ads, the rest comes from paid subscriptions. Without new subscribers signing up, their business model isn't sustainable.

Recently [redacted]'s marketing drones noticed something interesting: The number of people signing up for paid subscriptions increased significantly every time the "1-877-Kars4Kids" commercial aired. Once the DJ bot launched that earworm straight into a listener's cerebral cortex and started hammering, hammering, hammering away with its incessant yammering of "1-877-Kars4Kids" over and over and over listeners starting punching the "subscribe now" button faster than a cheetah on meth.

Once [redacted]'s marketing staff figured that out it was all over for the commercial-supported listeners. First they had the AI hit listeners with "1-877-Kars4Kids", but it wasn't long before they started assaulting listener's eardrums with Liberty-Liberty-Liberty Mutual, Nationwide is on your side, even "my baloney has a first name..."

Some of these advertisers aren't even paying [redacted] to run their ads anymore. These sonic brain attacks are so effective at driving up subscription revenues that [redacted] runs the ads for free.

So the next time you're ear-fucked by the most annoying jingle in the world, don't forget: you're getting ear-fucked for free ya cheapskate.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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