Sonic Assault
2021-07-22 23:39:32
You're grooving to some groovy tunes on your favorite music streaming service when... bam... you're knocked out of your reverie by the Most Annoying Song in the World. You didn't ask for it, you didn't choose it, and the music streaming service's AI didn't pick it because it's similar to 5 other songs you recently played. The AI chose that specific moment to ruin the mood with the "1-877-Kars4Kids" jingle for one reason only: to get you to pony up for a paid subscription.
[redacted] is a great music service. They have a huge catalog of music, and they offer the familiar streaming service revenue model: You can listen for free and hear an ad now and then, or pay a monthly fee and get a commercial-free stream.
Unfortunately the commercials aren't paying the bills. Only 8% of [redacted]'s revenues come from ads, the rest comes from paid subscriptions. Without new subscribers signing up, their business model isn't sustainable.
Recently [redacted]'s marketing drones noticed something interesting: The number of people signing up for paid subscriptions increased significantly every time the "1-877-Kars4Kids" commercial aired. Once the DJ bot launched that earworm straight into a listener's cerebral cortex and started hammering, hammering, hammering away with its incessant yammering of "1-877-Kars4Kids" over and over and over listeners starting punching the "subscribe now" button faster than a cheetah on meth.
Once [redacted]'s marketing staff figured that out it was all over for the commercial-supported listeners. First they had the AI hit listeners with "1-877-Kars4Kids", but it wasn't long before they started assaulting listener's eardrums with Liberty-Liberty-Liberty Mutual, Nationwide is on your side, even "my baloney has a first name..."
Some of these advertisers aren't even paying [redacted] to run their ads anymore. These sonic brain attacks are so effective at driving up subscription revenues that [redacted] runs the ads for free.
So the next time you're ear-fucked by the most annoying jingle in the world, don't forget: you're getting ear-fucked for free ya cheapskate.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)