Sing Us This Song, Piano Man
2019-03-30 19:35:41
A better retirement idea for William Martin Joel.
In July of 2018, well-known ivory-tower resident, Billy Joel, jokingly told The Vulture about his idea for a retirement show:
“The stage is a living-room set: couch, TV, coffee table, food. And there’s bulletproof glass between me and the audience. Then I come out and lay down on the couch. I grab the remote and start watching TV. The crowd after a couple minutes goes, “Fuck this,” and starts throwing shit at the glass. I’ll have created a bond between me and the audience where I know they will never pay another nickel to see me again.”
What a bunch of narcissistic bullshit. He’s also wrong. As demonstrated by heavy-metal has-beens, Kiss, who are on their latest ‘No Really We Mean It This Time’ retirement tour, he has an exit, to which he can do a comeback tour, and people will pay top dollar via Ticketmaster to see him.
To this end, I would like to make the following proposal to Mr Joel: when the day comes when you are ready to retire, book Madison Square Garden. Book it for the entire day. Start the show at 1:00pm sharp. Take the stage, answer audience questions, share stories about your life, years on the road, jokes, bring up friends & family; the whole works.
Then, around 6:00 pm, play your songs. Play all the favorites: both yours and those of the audience. Play them with all your heart and soul. Play them with pure emotional intensity that every single person will have wave upon wave of tears of happiness.
As the final song is being played, a sheet with a bullseye target slowly and quietly descends. You stand up, walk over to the sheet, stand in front of it, take your final bow, say your final thanks, then take out a hidden sawed-off shotgun, put the barrels in your mouth and pull the trigger.
Afterwords, a professional auction team takes the stage, gathers up all the skull fragments, brain matter, and sops up all the blood into vials, auctioning off everything they can (the proceeds going to the Make-a-Wish Foundation) until all that’s left is a naked, mulated corpse, waiting to be immediately buried in Oyster Bay.
So, waddya say, Piano Man? It’s memorable, all the proceeds will go to a great cause, and you will retire in a way that will be so memorable, people will talk about it, for decades. It’s a win-win!
And the best part? There’s no way you’ll be able to do a hacky comeback tour. The end will truly be the end.
Come Billy! Play us this one!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)