Everyone Hates Cliff Richard
1999-12-20 03:11:58
Everyone in England hates Cliff Richard, which is no big surprise: I hate Cliff Richard, you hate Cliff Richard, and everyone you know probably hates Cliff Richard, too. We hate Cliff Richard because we fear Cliff Richard; we suspect he may be an Elder God sent to Earth to wreak havoc. We also hate him because we're not quite sure who he is.
Richard, who turns 90 next year, currently has the biggest selling smash hit record in England, which doesn't mean that much, really, but it helps us identify and confirm the horrible taste of the British record-buying public. The current thing that is making everyone hate Cliff Richard is this song called "Millenium Prayer," which is, pathetically enough, the Lord's Prayer set to the music of Auld Lang Syne. Everyone in England who hasn't bought a copy of it is hopping mad about it! Everyone in England is either musically unsophisticated or REALLY MAD AT CLIFF RICHARD! So there!
One of the Spice Girls (uh, the lame one, I think) was all like, "A complete pile of shit." And another Spice Girl (the other lame one) claimed Cliff was "ripping off fans."
And noted pederast George Michael said "I don't think anyone's going to shake the vicar." I don't have the slightest fucking clue what that means, but it sounds like he doesn't care for Cliff Richard.
So anyway, there is this big WAR going on over Cliff Richard! CLIFF RICHARD! He wears white suits and talks about Jesus a lot; in a lot of ways, he's way more vile than Pat Boone. And he's got the number one record in that wacky little country over by France.
But that Hamster Dance record is shooting up the charts and might topple Cliff Richard soon. Which would be good, because then English pop stars would have more stuff to hate.
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)