Everyone in England hates Cliff Richard, which is no big
surprise: I hate Cliff Richard, you hate Cliff Richard, and
everyone you know probably hates Cliff Richard, too. We
hate Cliff Richard because we fear Cliff Richard; we
suspect he may be an Elder God sent to Earth to wreak
havoc. We also hate him because we're not quite sure who
Richard, who turns 90 next year, currently has the biggest selling smash hit
record in England, which doesn't mean that much, really, but it helps us
identify and confirm the horrible taste of the British record-buying public.
The current thing that is making everyone hate Cliff Richard is this song
called "Millenium Prayer," which is, pathetically enough, the Lord's Prayer set
to the music of Auld Lang Syne. Everyone in England who hasn't bought a copy
of it is hopping mad about it! Everyone in England is either musically
unsophisticated or REALLY MAD AT CLIFF RICHARD! So there!
One of the Spice Girls (uh, the lame one, I think) was all like, "A complete
pile of shit." And another Spice Girl (the other lame one) claimed Cliff was
"ripping off fans."
And noted pederast George Michael said "I don't think anyone's going to shake
the vicar." I don't have the slightest fucking clue what that means, but it
sounds like he doesn't care for Cliff Richard.
So anyway, there is this big WAR going on over Cliff Richard! CLIFF RICHARD!
He wears white suits and talks about Jesus a lot; in a lot of ways, he's way
more vile than Pat Boone. And he's got the number one record in that wacky
little country over by France.
But that Hamster Dance record is shooting up the charts and might topple Cliff
Richard soon. Which would be good, because then English pop stars would have
more stuff to hate.