Celebrity endorsement impersonated


It's Because Your Music Sucks.
1999-12-06 10:46:48

Viva La Musica
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy


I love mp3.com. It's given me a doorway to hear new artists that I would normally never hear. Unfortunately, it's also exposed me to a lot of things that would best be left unrecorded. But that goes with the territory. Enter Dana Woodaman. A self-important musician from Oregon who would like you to believe that the reason his CD's aren't selling has nothing to do with the music.

Nearly everyone knows someone like this. A person assumes that just because they are capable of playing an instrument automatically means they can also compose a song. You, in turn, are forced to endure the musical monstrosities that are squatted out. I happen to be in this position on a regular basis. And after more than a decade of enduring some of the most hideous basement tapes imaginable, I'm beyond being Mr. Nice Guy. I find that it's a lot more constructive to say to a person "Sorry, but that really sucked Ed Wood's dead ass".

Every now and then, though, I encounter someone that the criticism bounces off completely. You could be stuck on a 3 foot wide desert island, thousands of miles away from civilization for more than three years, tell them that their music bites as you are strangling them, and they'll still think that you are talking about someone else. That is the case with the-whore-formerly-known-as-East-Bay-Ray, and it's certainly the case with Oregon's biggest nancy-boy, Dana Woodaman.

Dana has a one-man basement synth music project called Brain Transfer Project. The spunk from his musical jack-off sessions is at best, bland. At it's worst, you want to hunt him down and give him an electronic enema. Dana put his music onto mp3.com, for the unwashed masses to eat up like it was their last meal. The problem? According to Dana himself, he's only sold one single CD.

But hey! This is Dana Woodaman, musician savant! He's played in the self-described "seminal Seattle punk" band The Shivers, then he moved to SF and performed in Social Fabric, Fade to Black, Bohemian Love Jones, and Lawn Vultures (never heard of any of these bands? Don't worry, no one else has), it obviously can't be because of the music, it must be because of something else! It must be the fault of mp3.com!

Anyway, Dana complains like three-year-old in soiled diapers to CNN about the lack of sales. If you really insist on hearing his music, it can be found here (don't say you weren't warned).

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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