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Cute Little Country has Cute Little Crimes: Toad-Tadpoles Kidnapped in Denmark!!
1999-08-12 20:01:55


Treachery
 
Psychedelics are almost irrelevant in a town where you can wander into a casino any time of the day or night and witness the crucifiction of a gorilla...
-- HST

 

OK, so everybody knows that tadpoles aren't very cute. BUT, how cute are rare tadpoles that are stolen from a darling little country like Denmark? Pretty DAMN cute, I'd say.

Most likely the rare fire-bellied toad tadpoles were RIPPED from their quaint little Danish farm to be sold to pet stores (not to some freaky rich-people group that likes to feast on "exotic" meats). Now c'mon, that's just way outta control cuter than a baby dressed up in rain gear sitting in a tire!

Can't you just imagine the backs of milk cartons and those ad-thingies you get in the mail with pictures of schools of tadpoles frolicking and the words "Missing" and "Dearly Loved" as the caption?

I realize that this all sounds very patronizing but I actually lived in Denmark and therefore, I KNOW. Let me list a handful of reasons why the Danish cute factor is so damn high:

- Population 5 million (95% homogeneous, meaning: blonde hair, blue eyes)

- Gingerbread houses

- Postmen on bikes with red leather postal bags and smart-looking caps

- Everybody on bikes even in the dead of the frigid North Atlantic winter

- Some of the world's finest pornography

- Windmills

- LEGOS!!

- Cobblestone streets

- Yummy pastries (where do you think the Danish came from?)

- A Queen who illustrates children's books in her spare time

- LEGOLAND!!!

- Revered Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen harbor ("den Lille Havfrue")

- Highest peak a whopping 1500ft

- Hans Christian Andersen (OK, he's a wee bit freaky, that can only be explained by an excess of German blood in the family tree)

Plus, many Danes even think their country is painfully cute. When I told one Dane I met here in the States that I spoke Danish she lightheartedly laughed and remarked, "Well, it is a cute little language, but why would you want to learn it?".

Anyways, this has got to be the most grievous crime in Denmark since the VICIOUS THEFT of the Little Mermaid's head. _And_, there was the ever famous incident in 1995 when someone rammed a bulldozer into a Danish prison freeing many "hardened" Danish criminals. One escapee gave himself up because he was "homesick", missed the cushy Danish prison life and wanted to go back (Awwwwwwww, how sweet!).

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

uzerboozer@pigdog.org


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