Build Date: Thu Oct 9 11:40:35 2025 UTC
Sorry to be such an annoying prick.
-- Paul Vortex
Metallica To Fans- Fuck You!
2000-04-14 15:33:42
It should come as no surprise to anyone. But in case you haven't heard the news, former Heavy Metal ass-kickers and current sellout kings, Metallica is suing Napster.
Ever since their so-called Black Album, Metallica has been going down faster than a DC 10. Every year, they've found a brand new way to sell out, and losing more of their fan base that have been following them from the very beginning. With the release of their last literally music-made-for-elevators album, S&M, I knew I wasn't alone in proclaiming that Metallica was no longer a Heavy Metal band, but just another pile of rust to be tossed on the slagheap.
What I did not expect was their willing demonstration to show the world just how much more they were willing to sellout. They are trying to destroy the very tools that made them the Metal Gods they once were.
When Metallica first started out, Heavy Metal was dominated by spandex-sporting' lipstick-wearing, big haired girlyboy bands like Ratt, Cinderella, Poison, and so on. The only way that Metallica gained it's notoriety, was through fans trading tapes with each other. And while the band didn't make a cent, their reputation spread like wildfire. Now, decades later, Metallica wants to stomp the very tools out of existence that not only would keep better bands from being heard, but would give fans a chance to hear how bad they really are now, without having to plunk down an obscene amount of cash.
My prediction: Metallica will continue to operate under the illusion that their music kicks ass, and that no matter how corporate they get, true metal fans will still like them. They will tour with The Backstreet Boys, and sue and sue any fans caught singing their old material for "wanton vandalism of our artistic endeavors".
Don't think it won't happen? Just wait.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
Mr. Bad, Tjames Madison, and various other Pigdoggers of all stripe take on the makers of JERKCITY in a PIGDOG INTERVIEW DEATHMATCH. (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
