Build Date: Thu May 1 07:50:56 2025 UTC
You're a no-goodnik, and you've always been a no-goodnik, Lenny Shirose.
-- Frankenstein Jones
Godzilla Destroys Bass Brothers, Ft. Worth in ShitStorm Crazy Orgy
2000-03-31 12:28:30
Okay, so I know the "official" statement out of my birthplace is that there was a "tornado", but I have the "inside" scoop on the whole Ft. Worth "incident." My "sister" works in downtown Ft. Worth, and according to her, and a few other "unnamed sources," Godzilla got in a Tizzy Fit and destroyed downtown. As to why this happened, well, that's a long story...
The Bass Brothers own downtown Fort Worth. They made all their money in the 1800s selling smallpox-laden rifle cartridges to the US Cavalry for the Comanche problem. After that, they bought the sleepy old frontier fort, and converted it into a big sleepy CowTown where wayward cowboys could drop off their cattle and screw cheap hookers instead of each other.
About two weeks ago, the Bass Brothers got bored with that and converted all the cattle barns to giant Honking skyscrapers, simultaneously ending the cowboy and cheap hooker era. So, now the Bass Brothers are the quintessential Texas bizzillionaires with big phallic skyscrapers with their names all over them and 900-ft.-long Texas Cadillacs (that's a Chevy Suburban to you uninitiated).
Apparently, Godzilla didn't get the news, because He showed up Tuesday night about 6pm CST with a powerful hunger for beef. Finding nothing to eat and irritated by the Honking skyscrapers, He went into a shitstorm orgy of destruction. My sister watched from the 20th floor of the Bass Towers as 900 ft. Suburbans and Texas bizzillionaires flew all over the place.
You can check out the "official" story at the link below, but you and I both know that when Godzilla comes looking for some downhome Texas barbeque, you better have it ready.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
